The Depths of Curiosity

A few days ago, I spoke with my fiancé about pedophilia and its causes. Pedophilia is understandably a very off-putting and disturbing topic for many. The topic can touch a nerve for those who have been abused, witnessed the behavior, know someone who has been a victim or are just completely sickened by the idea.

It's one of the many topics that I think about once in awhile because it's such an enigma to me. What causes one to have this type of sexuality? Is it nature, nurture or both? If it's nature, how can we explain this psychologically and medically? These are some of the questions I ask myself. Presently there are only loose theories about the causes and there are no solid proven answers amongst medical professionals and social scientists.

I've always been an extremely curious individual. I am the type of person who is fascinated by things that are abnormal, controversial, rare, strange, wacky, zany and the like. I enjoy learning about various cultures, traditions, sciences, arts, trivial information and much more. I love learning overall and any chance I can get but the farther something is outside the margins of normality, the more it piques my interest. A lot of people just don't want to open themselves up to what exists outside of their comfort zone. They willfully block these things out from their learning agenda and place limits on exploring. They fear that the knowledge and awareness that they may obtain through the process of seeking without boundaries can linger and haunt them forever...or in some cases destroy or tarnish.

I understand this thinking and I've experienced it, but somehow my curiosity continues to get the best of me. I immediately think of the death of author/journalist Iris Chang. No one truly knows why she committed suicide but it has been theorized that although she suffered with chronic depression for a good while, she fell into a very abysmal, paranoid and unrecoverable state of depression that catapulted her to suicide, after researching heavily and relentlessly for her book, The Rape of Nanking. I realize that the research work for her book was not a mere act of curiosity but rather an expression of advocacy and commemoration for the Chinese victims of Japanese war crimes but if the suspicion surrounding her death is true, then it is a good case for how unadulterated awareness in some contexts might lead to or exacerbate mental anguish, disturbance and dissonance.

Is it healthy to open our minds to any and every reality that's out there? Should we keep some topics unexplored in order to preserve a sense of well-being? I guess it is up to each person to answer this question because the answers will differ from one person to the next.

My fiancé mentioned that subject matter dealing with serial killers, murder, pedophilia, suicide and the like are themes he dislikes exploring...even on a purely intellectual level. He doesn't want to know why or how when it comes to the minds of people who commit acts in the aforementioned categories.

I, on the other hand, am fascinated by human behavior on many levels which includes behavior in those areas. I find that the more extreme human behavior is, the more it makes us question what we define as normal for our kind. I also think it reveals how certain elements that exist in "normality" can create many instances of what we consider abnormal. It's easy for the mainstream of a given society to feel that it is completely separate and uninspiring to behavior and people that we deem as depraved, perverse and immoral.

I personally think that knowledge can be a way to protect ourselves. If we understand, to some degree, the mindset of people who are for whatever reason prone to criminal behavior, then we can make wiser choices about how to shield ourselves and loved ones from harm. We can trust without paranoia and we can clearly recognize the way that we influence others and contribute to society over the course of our lives. It is easy to think that there is more bad than good when we consistently learn of atrocities, tragedies and acts of terror and degradation. This feeling is further enhanced by living in a society where violence is constantly promoted, talked about and shown through many media outlets.

Growing up, I read a lot on forensic pathology, abnormal psychology/mental illness as well as serial killers. I developed a sizable book collection on these topics. This was also during a time when I had aspirations of becoming a psychiatrist or a forensic scientist. As for serial killers, their backgrounds, motives and minds deeply interested me on an intellectual level. I wanted to know how some of these people could commit the bizarre and nightmarish crimes they did. I wanted to know how and why they were so different from what we perceive as the average person. I wanted to understand the mysterious nature and causes behind psychopathy and sociopathy, all the while feeling disgust and disdain. I also wanted to understand myself in relation to such extremes.

As I absorbed more information on these subjects, I will say that a lot of it disturbed and haunted my mind for quite some time. I remember first listening to a song by one of my favorite bands Oneroid Psychosis entitled "Discharge" from their album Dreams with Pollutions When Virile and an extreme state of darkness came upon me. Each time I played the track, my mind obsessively went back to many of the explicit stories and details I read about various serial killers. The heavy and discordant mood was hard to shake and at the time, the track made me feel like I lived in a world completely taken over by violent perversity and mental depravity. As a synesthete, the song also triggered menacing, unusual and ghostly blends of colors (glowing oranges, yellow circular highlights and large spaces of blackness), images, and textures.

This effect was of course a compliment to their brilliant ability to create, set and trigger mood. The song is beautiful and it's masterfully produced by talented duo/brothers Leif and Lars Hansen, but the melody created such an intense atmosphere for me. When I listen to the track now, it no longer conjures those feelings although I remember them. I can enjoy it in a different way. I think I allowed those moods to run their course. The purged themselves automatically over time.

However, there are some topics that still rattle and shake me up a bit. I am uncomfortable talking extensively about the possible death of loved ones because this subject rates high on my list of fears. I am uncomfortable talking about incest because it is extremely unnatural and disgusting to me. I am also uncomfortable discussing topics on phobias that I have and sometimes I just don't feel like putting my mind in a sinister or grimy context, so this will influence what I am open to exploring and talking about on a given day.

With this being said, I admit I have a hard time understanding people who choose to be extremely closed to topics and realities outside of their comfort zone. It's one thing to refrain from becoming a specialist on some topics and talking about gritty gratuitous details because they are too upsetting or vile to handle, but another to totally block out all acknowledgment. I think it's dangerous to side with willful ignorance because it keeps some doors to understanding self and others forever closed.

I think there should be a balance...a healthy one between choosing what to completely expose yourself to and learning a bit more about this world that we live in whether it is good or bad. I think this balance has to be cultivated with respect to how strong we think we are and should be mentally, spiritually and emotionally as individuals. Some of us are more impressionable and/or sensitive than others. Some of us are trying to cleanse ourselves from toxic ideas and thoughts in order to maintain healthiness and others might be trying to run away from deeply hidden desires or drives within themselves. It's a mixed bag.

With me, being excessively curious will always be a given. I have a very active mind that requires lots of stimulation and I enjoy understanding things. This is a strong core trait and inclination. I don't have the option of ridding myself of it and I don't feel that I should if I could . I have learned to recognize when I need to use filters and when it's OK to fully explore and learn. I have also learned to realize when I seek out dark knowledge and subject matter to match and feed a dark mood and when I am showing innate and healthy intellectual curiosity. These sharpened areas of my intuition have, to some degree, have been nurtured by having an open mind. I also admit that I am just intrigued by what's different...outside of intellectual development.

What are some topics that disturb you? Which topics do you completely avoid discussing in depth? Why? Do you feel that our minds should be completely open to all levels of reality or do you feel that we should place limits on our curiosity? Why do you feel the way you do?