A Need for Adult Recess

I wish there were more places and opportunities for adults to indulge in recess activities that they participated in as children.

I don't know why we have to abandon these fun things as we become older. As adults, we often feel a need to "get to the gym" when we want physical activities in our lives and some of us will step out of the gym to go for walks once in awhile, but I miss these activities that I often played when younger: I truly do not believe that the activities below have to only be activities for grade school children.

Four Square
Handball
Tetherball
Kickball
Softball
Paddleball (the sport, like Racquetball)
Dodgeball
Hopscotch
Hide-and-Seek
Water Balloon Fights
Tag / Freeze Tag / Hospital
Four Corners
Jump rope /Chinese Jump Rope (totally remember this!) / Double Dutch
Cake Walk (during special events)
Relay Racing

and much more.

I have to jog my memory for most of the other games I played as a kid.

Kids would come back in after lunch and morning recess very sweaty and tired. These games were an awesome way to work out naturally and it was pure fun. No one thought about "getting exercise" or "burning calories" or anything of the sort. It was just about getting out and enjoying ourselves out on the "blacktop".

I definitely think this is missing in adulthood. The absence of activities like these limits us to unnatural ways of working out that often feel like monotonous, boring and tiresome obligatory chores. I think if we participated in more natural ways to be active, we'd see a great change in the way we define and fall into being fit as grownups. I certainly still like going to gym once in awhile but I really ache for very organic activities most of the time. It's just more intuitive and I'd feel much more inspired to get out and do something physical regularly.

I also think that such games always sparked creativity and imagination. Kids would make up rules to some of these traditional childhood games or create new games period. I certainly remember I did. LOL

For example, I made up my own techniques in handball. One technique was called "buttercup". The hit would involve "getting" the ball at the right time after the other person hit it against the wall, and bouncing it three times with one hand before hitting it back against the wall for the other person to hit again. You'd score more points this way if the game was being based on a point system. Soon I had many other kids on the playground talking about the buttercup move. LOL It became a standard for some games settings/rules although very few knew I started it. Others created their own rules and hits too.

I would also play hours by myself with tetherball and handball, because these could and would be solitary games too. I loved every minute of this and I certainly miss it.

I think it would be awesome to start an "adult recess" club like this someday where groups of people could join up and play these games in a dedicated areas often.

I certainly feel that as adults we need to continue the glory of recess games and activities.

"Know Your Desires"

If you could snap your fingers and make the life of your dreams instantly appear, exactly what would that life look like? While you're working so diligently to move forward, do you have a clear and detailed definition of where you intend to go?

An essential part of achieving what you desire is to know exactly what it is. Unfortunately, the people and events in your world often discourage and dissuade you from seriously considering your own ideas for what life at its best can be.

If you're not diligent about exploring and clarifying your own authentic desires, the world will impose its pre-packaged, shallow and empty desires upon your life. This can leave you frustrated, discouraged and unfulfilled as you strive to work toward goals that have no real meaning for you.

On a regular basis, allow your desires to come bubbling to the surface, so you can more fully understand them and connect with them. Enjoy the fact that there are things for which you truly long, and know that there is a path to every one of them.

Let your vision of what life can be pull you consistently toward its fulfillment. When you are clear about what you seek and why, you'll gain access to the resources and the strategies that will enable you to achieve it.

Instead of suppressing your desires or placing judgments on them, make yourself more and more familiar with their substance. Put real meaning in your life by giving life and energy to the things that mean most to you.

-- Ralph Marston

My thoughts:

I had to share this. This is so very well said. I believe in all of it wholeheartedly, have expressed this truth in a variety of ways through journal entries and creative messages. These are beliefs that I personally live and feel strongly moved by.

I think everyone should live by these beliefs of authenticity for each person can then discover their own truth, path and desires.

Not an easy road to take but it is liberating when you trust in the journey of this kind of exploration.

You begin to see YOU and with each new level of growth and confidence, living in delusional becomes less and less of an option.

I especially find the last paragraph quite potent. I think this is where most people feel the power of fear strongest.

How many of us shadowbox in ways that we are unaware of? We might find, in some cases, that some of the things that evoke the strongest negative reactions (hate, violence, judgment, disgust, resentment, fear and so on) in us might be things that hold some desire or curiosity....things that, if we can become bold enough to confront with the most brutal brand of self-objective honesty, might reveal some aspect of our true nature.

Why are we so afraid of that path to freedom?

Is there true freedom in darkness and delusion? What can we see if we truly become bare to ourselves? How might our lives, beliefs and convictions change? Our desires? Our purposes for living?

Sometimes those changes might compel us to make very difficult sacrifices. In some cases, this might be a long-invested career or even a marriage or long-term partnership. The person we become might not match up to commitments we've made in the past because those decisions were made in darkness...while we wore masks.

This is where some people might feel the need to hold on to delusion because it's too painful to suddenly see so much change and "loss" even if it means we find/gain our true selves in the process.

This is hard for everyone.

"Miniature Doll Eyes: Perception of Whole Worlds"

Yesterday I was thinking of the subject of happiness. I wonder if sensitivity and happiness are directly related. I think so.

I am able to create moments of "happiness" where I take pleasure in the most simplest of things and where I make connections between the dissimilar. I can be very creative in my perspectives to where I am able to create my own worlds and wholly exist in them. But I admit that sometimes I can allow those worlds to become nightmares of some sort where sinister faces and scenes appear around every corner and sweet, pure and playful things aren't exactly as wonderful as they seem. This happens if I let it because there are so many ways to perceive when you let in a variety of triggers ("changing agents" or perhaps "malevolent bottles of dyes") and when invisible shape-shifter entities are seen only when they take on a specific form or identity.

Sometimes you find that those shape-shifters are many sly copies of yourself.

I just had a random thought. Looked outside of my window just now and saw a tall cluster of trees that has been there for as long as I can remember. Their branches and leaves are swaying in the windy atmosphere. I thought to myself, "These are someone's veins." I also began to think that sometimes a hyper-manifestation of details is very sickening...

Where is the blood? Is the blood air? Is the blood represented by any place water exists?

I recently got this vision of being in an eerily silent hallway full of doors on each side. The doors are semi-transparent to where I can see the movement of shadows behind them but no clarity. The end of the hallway shows a panel of two doors, also partially transparent, no knobs, with the out pour of muted bright light. I turn away from the end of the hallway as there is no way to open up the panel. Each time I look for a door handle, a shadowed body showing from behind the panel copies my movement.

I look around at the hallway doors and go to open up one door. I see giant legs and feet shuffling back and forth as I peer in. When I look up, the legs continue upwards forever with no connected body in sight. But they continue to fidget and as they do I can hear dancing sounds that mimic the effects of empty plastic bottles continually falling down on a surface.

I close the door and look across the hallway to approach another door. I can see thick and clear liquid oozing out of the seams of the doorway. The smell is slightly noxious but induces a euphoric feeling each time I deeply inhale and the pleasure makes me quickly envision fading scenarios of bundled shapes and patterns. I open the door and a huge eye is revealed. The eyeball bulges out of the doorway further, quivering and unable to blink while releasing more of that slimy thick clear liquid from the edges.

I feel this urge to punch the eye in the middle of the pupil. Once I do this, the eye pops like a balloon that has just received a sharp pin prick, and releases the sound of a woman's coquettish laugh. The door closes and the knob disappears with the ting of a bell.

I decide to open another door but as I stand in front of it, something doesn't feel right. I feel as if this is the wrong door to open...ever. I open the door anyway and a gigantic head of a penis pops through the entryway. The meatus is very large and stretchy and as I stare into its tunnel, I find myself immediately sucked into its passage. As my body is enveloped by the opening, I feel waves of insane pleasure.

The penis passage appears to be another hallway, a fleshy and spongy hallway. I go further into the passage and with each step I hear the combined sounds of pops and erotic male moans at many pitches. The pitches deepen as I move toward the end of the tunnel. There is a throbbing, bulbous and round wad of veiny flesh at the end. A voice emanates from it and asks me if I know madness. The voice is incredibly low-pitched and threatening in delivery. I answer to it that I know madness and I hear a loud gasp. Before I know it, a long arm fronted with a big tightened fist comes through the flesh knob and punches me in the face to where both of my eyes are damaged. I throw my hands to my face and over my eyes in horror and in pain...and I can feel wetness and pieces of delicate tissue seep through the cracks of my fingers. My legs and feet shift back and forth as I try to bear the pain.

The voice continues to speak to me but I have no idea what it is saying. The language is obscure and like nothing I've ever heard before. The voice gets louder and I can feel the interior walls of the penis tightening around my body. They are closing in. I can't move. My body is frozen in the position of tragic agony. The voice tells me to let go many times and "see". I ignore it knowing that I can't move or that I can no longer see due to the damage and mutilation to my eyes. But it continues to tell me to let go and see. I scream in frustration and horror and struggle to do something. Anything. The voice continues to pressure me into submission to its commands. The walls get so tight around my body that I feel I will explode open into a bloody and bony mess.

To my shock, another voice yells out my name and it sounds like my own voice as I strain to make sense of it at first. My voice is also telling me to let go and see. I scream out for help but I realize that this makes no sense. My voice from afar tells me that if I don't let go and see, that I will die and find myself fragmenting into a million pieces, scattered around many worlds never feeling complete or whole no matter how hard I search and look. Each found piece will immediately unlock a new lost piece somewhere else thus continuing the hellish nightmare.

I fight to open my eyes and let go of the tight sensation that continues to envelop around my body. I find that I can begin to see something although my hands are in the same position. I find that I begin to feel free although the walls of the penile passage still tighten around me.

As this new vision comes into focus, I notice that I am in a blue warehouse room. A naked baby is sitting upright in the middle of the room staring at me with very wide doll-like eyes. The color of its eyes cannot be made out as they appear to constantly change in hue far too fast for perception to take hold of.

The baby hiccups and falls over and reveals a propped mirror behind it. I lean down to see what is in the reflection of the mirror. The reflection is of a large nude infant leaning over to peer unto itself. The eyes are alert, expressive and full of bewildered curiosity...

Mastery of Potential (MOP)

What are you truly capable of doing? How far can you take your abilities, skills and intelligence?

This question made me think a bit earlier on what I like to call, "Mastery of Potential". I've always been intensely fascinated by what you can get your mind to do and how far you can push it. I don't think many people come anywhere close to seeing what they can truly get their minds to accomplish.

I coined th phrase, "Mastery of Potential" for myself several years ago. Mastery of potential is an act of expanding your mind's abilities as far as possible in order to see what you can accomplish, thus discovering and mastering your true potential.

For short, i like to call this act "Mopping". If someone wants to train themselves in this manner, then they desire "to MOP" or "mop".

When "mopping" you would be exerting yourself to see and do the same things in as many ways as you can so that many areas of your brain can be developed and stretched.

Let's take an artist as an example. A traditional artist who paints and draws.

This artist is a master in painting and illustrating urban/metropolitan scenes. He or she has become very adept at capturing the common denominator of the general feeling and look of big city environments. Keep in mind that what sets this artist apart from the average person in perception here is that the average person in a such a cityscape takes their surroundings for granted. If this average city person was shown a picture of a city scene, they'd be able to point out that the scene was indeed a typical metropolitan scene with typical city elements and usual city motifs, but they would not be able to reproduce this visual understanding in an art piece like the example expert artist could.
Now although this artist has become an expert in this facet of art, there are still MANY ways that he/she are able to creatively apply their intimate visual familiarity of city environments. Basically, there are a "millions" ways you can apply a knowledge in a given area... if you truly wanted to test yourself.

• The artist can look at fashions often on display in urban environments and be inspired to come up with fashions that take on a city vibe. The artist would start to pay attention to even more minute details in city environments which includes what people are wearing and how they wear it.


• The artist can look at the type of shapes, objects and colors that are typically thematic of a city and design sculpture, jewelry, furniture that takes on that likeness. This would get the artist to truly know the nature of how furniture is constructed, how forms are three dimensionally built with clay, metal or any other material and how accessories are stylized and created in a multitude of ways.


• The artist can come up with theme and plots for stories that are set in urban environments with unique situations, characterizations and conflicts that are totally based on urban living. This might inspire the artist to pay closer attention to events, conversations and actions that happen in a cityscape around him/her more than usual.


• The artist can begin to think in animated or motion visuals regarding big city settings. The artist starts to pay closer attention to the way things move and function rather than how they appear statically appear. This will get the artist to think in actions.


• The artist can think of making original recipes for foods and drink that capture the quintessence of living in a large city. The artist will start to become more aware of aromas, eateries and foods in many urban places. They will begin to seek out the details for this type of multifaceted sensation.

The artist in this case can use their intimate knowledge and familiarity of cityscapes, normally used in their drawings and paintings, and find many other ways to invent and perceive the -same- area or subject. Each time he/she stretches their mind into exploring other "faces" of the same complex mental diamond, the artist becomes more aware and intelligent; more of a dynamic and profound thinker and creator. They can then function VERY flexibly. They are now riding the path of "mastery of potential".

Of course this is all theoretical. I mean it would take a LOT for someone to live in this fashion. Very -few- people could do it. It would be nonstop learning to the nth degree in the most intense and fully involved manner. You would also need discipline yourself, compel yourself to interact constantly in so many forms and could not be lazy.

You'd have to be fully motivated and highly active. Each person could do less or more than the other but I think most humans are capable of profound expression and expansion. Humans in general are capable of such amazing things and when I occasionally slip into an "alien view" of this truth, it's absolutely astounding.

I then wonder why we are inclined this way as species and I go back to that ever-persistent question, "What is our purpose here as a species?"

I also wonder how we will evolve further over time and what evolution will bring and look like. How much further can we advance collectively on this planet? Where is this all leading to (if you believe that there is a higher purpose in all of this)?

Some might say survival but if that were the only drive, we wouldn't really need to be where we are now regarding technological advancement and industrialization. There are many societies that still live in what we like to call "primitive" fashion and they do just fine surviving. In some cases, they might live less complex and confusing lives than many of us in "first nation" societies. But that's just an argument, a supposition of sorts. Who knows really. But I do know we don't need as MUCH as we tend to want and have in order to "just survive" if that's one's complete answer to my question.

Anyway, going back to "mastery of potential", I'd love the idea of incorporating a bit of that into my life; learning how to see and do things in as many ways as I can...over time of course. I love relaxing too and just being, so I don't feel this need to take it to the extreme and neglect the experience of simple relating and having fun, although I value the idea of "mopping".

In some ways I already ride that wave, but I know I would upgrade my surfboard as well as the waters I choose to surf in if I wanted to. One of my goals is to do just that this year.

Some people might be confused as to HOW to mop. To start, look at something that you think you can do fairly to really well.

Are you an accountant who is good with numbers? If so, how might you apply your skill with numbers in other ways? How about inventing a new equation, using numbers to come up with an innovation financing system for banking and doing taxes, using numbers to learn how to speed add/multiply/subtract/divide big chains of numbers in short time periods, use numbers to come up with a fascinating board game or story or use numbers to invent a personal language? You can do MANY things with your intelligence with numbers and numbers relations. Think about it.

If you are a house painter, start painting pictures, begin creating your own paints and dyes by studying how paints are made, read about the history of paints, use a completely different type of paint for house painting that might just as well or better, come up with a super paint that has winning features, use unorthodox materials for a type of "paint", begin painting with odd objects to see how the painting process can be altered for a new experience or move on to painting other objects other than houses to see how well you do in those areas and how you might see the process differently in those areas.

Mopping can also take you into entirely new areas of ability and make you aware of how related seemingly unrelated subjects or activities are by discovering new connections between things. If you sing, how might you use your singing to inspire writing? If you act, how might you use your acting skills to design clothes or even create sketches for indoor interiors that personify unique "personalities"?

What can YOU do? What does your true potential look like? How many ways can you get your brain to learn and expand?

Try "mopping" and see what happens. See how you develop and discover more about you. The possibilities are endless.

"The Way We Live"

A friend of mine made a comment on Facebook through her "25 Random Things" post. She mentioned something that definitely made a strong impression and that I fully agree with. It's a great comment for reflection:

"The older I get, the more I realize that there are many paths to happiness and a million different ways to live a life. I think sometimes we fear those who make different choices because we need to believe that WE have made the RIGHT choices. I think we all do the best with what we have." - Penny McNatt-Devine

It makes you wonder why so many people are almost violently opposed or dismayed when it comes to expressing or having an opinion on the way other people live. They feel like the way they live their lives is the way others should. It's almost like they need a sense of validation for how they've chosen to live because it would only make sense if others chose to make the same commitments and decisions...or even believed the same things.

I think some people can become so used to living in one way that their identity, the only one they know of themselves, becomes dependent on that. If choices and life changes, then the way they recognize themselves changes too and that might be scary because then that would make them feel like they've failed...that they were wrong just when they thought they had life figured out or that they have no clue on how to function in the future now that everything has fallen out of familiarity.

We can apply this to so many examples...especially the ones involving religious, political, homophobic and racial fanatics...to name a few.

I do feel a lot of the grandstanding in this context comes from people being dissatisfied with how they live or not wanting to be challenged to reconsider or evaluate their own life choices and beliefs. We all, either at some point or to some degree, wanted/want the security of knowing that we were/are making the right decisions or that the way we see things is the "correct" way. So we look for ways that we can validate that...validate ourselves.

I also don't think people are always aware of the ways in which they seek validation. It might be hard to notice or we might think that whatever we do in a given context is based on authentic convictions or beliefs...when it's all a metaphor for something deeper that we seek or feel that is missing. If anyone here has read T. C. Boyle's "Carnal Knowledge"...this is a perfect example.

This is why I have an interest in occasionally taking a deep look at the things I feel strongly about. Are they really true passions? Are they really things that I feel truly represent me? Are they really things that I want to do in life or beliefs that I want to live by? Are certain disciplines or restrictions that I place on myself necessary or meaningful? What would my life be like if I didn't let some fears dictate how it was lived? What can i do to live more in courage rather than fear? Why do I feel so tied to certain aspects of my identity?

I also don't think people are always aware of the ways in which they seek validation. It might be hard to notice or we might think that whatever we do in a given context is based on authentic convictions or beliefs...when it's all a metaphor for something deeper that we seek or feel that is missing. If anyone here has read T. C. Boyle's "Carnal Knowledge"...this is a perfect example.

I also think, as the quote implies, that we never ask ourselves if we could be happy living life in more than one way. We often feel that is the one golden path to happiness or whatever happiness means to us. We are often too scared or fearful to find out what other paths could provide for us. Sometimes we are forced to see another way of living due to circumstances or unexpected events. Not everyone does well in that event...some people continue to try to hold on to their old way of seeing and doing things because that's all they know and that's what they've based security and identity on.

Creating Secret Maps & Other Wonders...

What would you do if you came across a bright red beautifully wrapped box along a path not far from your house?

Would you pass it up? Do you dare inspect the package a bit and wonder about its contents and its purpose for being there? Would you eagerly open the box with a sharp jolt of curiosity?

If you were to open the box, what would you find? Take some time to truly imagine and revel in what you conjure up.

I think it's very intriguing to be on the receiving or witnessing end of such a scenario, but I also think it's a brilliant feeling to know that you are the one who creates this mysterious and peculiar would-be experience for others.

I have fancied the idea of creating an elaborate map that illustrates how to discover the whereabouts of a fascinating gift of some kind. This idea was inspired by watching a segment of the animated film, Wubbzy's Big Movie, which is based on the animated children's series on Nick Jr. entitled, Wow! Wow! Wubbzy.

In that segment of the film, Wubbzy notices that a folded piece of paper falls from within the book he is holding in a library. This also catches the attention of his best friends Walden and Widget. Wubbzy then sees that the folded piece of paper is actually a map with a big x on it and claims that it is a pirate's map showing the location of hidden treasure. Although his friends are skeptical and tell Wubbzy that pirates and hidden treasure no longer exist, Wubbzy tells his friends that they must go on an adventure to locate the treasure of this map. He tells them that they must believe.

They soon set sail on a an old boat that Widget managed to repair with her usual crafty skills and they come across a number of wacky perils that they eventually find creative ways to get themselves out of. Each time Wubbzy and his friends come across danger, he continues to tell them to believe in the map and treasure. Just when they are about to give up and Wubbzy begins to feel that his friends might be right about there not being any treasure, on their way back to the ship, they all look up and spot a big house on a mountaintop shaped like an x. Wubbzy points and exclaims in excitement that this must be the treasure that they've been searching for and that he was right all along about believing.

Soon a pirate, with a love for sweets and missing front teeth, shows up and tells them that they've indeed come across the treasure. He tells them that he left the map, that true reward was in the adventure of following the map and that he'd like to not only offer them each candy, but that he wants them to place the map back where it was so that others can stumble upon it by chance and also experience the same kind of journey.

Although this animated film and its series is intended for children, I find the cartoon very inspiring and entertaining and watching made me think of doing something similar in the near future. I'd love to create a unique handmade gift of some sort or even design something as simple as a beautiful message, place it in a well-hidden, alluring and attention-grabbing box and leave it someplace that can be discovered through the directions of an also discreetly-placed illustrative map that I'd make from scratch.

I guess the question is: How would one ever know that someone else discovered the map and gift?

The answer is you can't really be sure what happens or if someone will ever find it in the way intended to be found, but it still feels great to be able to do something like this and at least create the possibility of someone coming across surprise and being delighted by it. If you come back to check on the map and gift and it’s gone, you can always imagine that someone did indeed fulfill that mission.

If we look back at history's sentimental yarns and epic fantastic tales, we'll remember some stories which tell of someone coming across a message in a bottle on a remote or long-forgotten seashore. The plot might not always involve epic adventure or even candied merriment. Perhaps it involves a story of grief, forlorn hope and unfulfilled longings.

In any event, people are fascinated by the unknown; of being part of a discovery or a mystery. I think in this vessel of fascination, we can actively and creatively find a way to become purveyors of joy-making; to inspire other people to live more adventurously rather than in fear.

I can understand that the world has come to be a more cynical, jaded and suspicious place where we fear for our safety. We look upon strange and unexpected persons, events, objects with apprehension and concern, assuming that the intent is for us to be harmed rather than be enchanted. We assume that our destiny is to be underhandedly destroyed rather than to be truly charmed. That's understandable when we take a cold, desolate and ultra sober look at the dark side of humanity. But perhaps that's the heart of the problem. We forget about the beauty of humanity and what we can do in our daily lives to become examples of that.

The world needs more magic and imagination where society becomes art and art becomes society. Creating secret maps, concocting surprise messages and scattering sacred awesome gifts is a great way to spread a little of that magic.

On Becoming a Muse

Historically the muses are typically regarded as nine young goddesses of inspiration who personify and embody the arts, poetry and sciences. They were entities of song and grace that inspired people to exert their best efforts and live to their fullest potential. Additionally, they engendered harmony, prosperity and friendships.

What would it mean to become a muse in today's time? Do you have a desire to become a muse of any sort? If so, what kind of muse would you be? How do you normally find yourself inspiring others? How do you purposefully like to inspire others? My belief is that both men and women can be muses, muses can be of any age and muses can possess a number of visual impressions. The stereotype is that muses look like flawless beauties. I think instead muses possess a unique beauty of spirit; a brand of individuality that is magnetic. This might make an impression upon his/her looks or it might at first not be so aesthetically obvious but would be something that people FEEL when they come into contact with him/her.

When I mention a modern day muse, I very much mean in a real sense. Not paranormally. I also think there are muse qualities in all of us, but my focus is more in being a muse in awareness...in a way that is organically asserted and confidently activated.

I've thought about this for some time, but I'd like to consider myself a muse of sorts and I'd like to be more confidently and actively. I think in asserting yourself this way, you as the muse realize, that by natural rule, living as a muse incites more passionate living.

Unbridled passionate living.

I also think a modern day muse feeds off of inspiration in many ways too. They don't just inspire others. Inspiration becomes a fuel of sorts, in both directions. So when a muse ceases to find inspiration and to create or embody it in some manner, the muse identity "dies".

I've exercised my muse powers through Meetup.com recently. I started a group for exercise and fitness which targets women who are curvy, plus-sized and/or plump. I speak to an audience of women who are happy about and find beauty in being thicker and rubenesque in stature but would like to tone up and participate in regular exercise activity so that our fitness levels are heightened as curvy women. Our goal is not to be thin but to be healthy. This inspires a great many of women to redefine beauty for themselves and to see their own loveliness through and through.

Mingling with others, sending messages and speaking up is important in cultivating muse power and spirit. Again the aim of a muse is to live passionately, embrace living and embody inspiration.

How do you wish to do this? It can be done in so many ways:

• Join or start a new group based on unique interests, desires and goals



• Cultivate your own sense of style or bring it out again in full vigor



• Explore new ideas and thoughts; challenge old ones



• Define why you are beautiful in your own way apart from what society dictates and begin living in this newfound sense of pride



• Champion a new or long-abandoned cause



• Find a way to help someone realize their potential, their dreams or their value



• Do something new and different each day



• Read, listen to and see curious books, music and film respectively



• Try a brand new cuisine


• Research different lifestyles and viewpoints


• Do something you've always done the same in a completely new way


• Strike up a conversation with a random stranger and ask them thoughtful questions


• Find ways you can make society better, more rewarding and interesting


• Invent something or improve upon an old convention

Be more hands on:

We are a society that is very much out of touch with our instincts. We don't have to use and sharpen then. We live in an automated, highly technical and ever-increasing digital world. I don't put down modern and technical conventions as they have their own appealing qualities, I just think we are greatly handicapped by them through our own ignorance and lack of exploration and awareness.

So how can we really be muses of anything?

How can we really appreciate anything?

How can we really understand and FEEL?

I think it's important to keep old traditions alive because make US feel alive. Our senses remain sharp, aware and functioning. Never at a loss. Never dull.

Rather than go out to eat or buy microwave food, cook sometimes from SCRATCH or learn how to for a particular recipe. The meal will be that much more appreciated. I would even say growing one's own vegetables and fruits gives a different sense of appreciation too. I wonder how many people would consume as much meat as they did if they had to hunt and prepare it themselves.

Rather than typing a letter why not write one. A LONG one...and do it often. Why not a short story or *gasp* a novel?

Instead of drawing something on the computer, why not get the paints, charcoals, pastels, markers, pens or conte out to draw? G further and maybe create and stretch your own canvas, make your own brushes, make and mix your own paints just to see what it feels like? Use natural objects as brushes such as twigs, leaves, flower petals, and hands.

Why not learn how to play an instrument or take some voice lessons for fun to get a different appreciation for music and singing? Even just reading about the history of music can change one's perspective.

Rather than renting a movie for a particular title, why not go read the book?
Rather than seeing a movie, why not go see a theatre production with live actors and music?

Rather than reading about a particular culture, country or city, why not plan a trip someday to visit that region to get a real sense of the area? Learn the language?

Why not look up some craft projects and get busy with them and get your hands dirty? Try to make an article of clothing for yourself, a piece of jewelry, your own sculpture or piece of dish ware or a bath and beauty accessory (creams, lotions, soap, shampoo, perfume)? Include stuff like making your own butter, cheese, wine, spread, jam, jelly or oil?

You get the picture. I love stuff like this. It is important to hone desires for these things and to find ways to incorporate these types of activities and a quality of curiosity into your daily living. Make them a part of your life; necessary, natural and therapeutic rituals to fully activate your muse power and spirit.

Upon further thought, embracing yourself as a muse also inspires more love and appreciation for self. You really start to admire your own brand of beauty in and out and acknowledge how valuable it is in its own right...what it can do, what it means and how it can inspire and compel many.

So my recommendation is to begin embracing yourself as a muse, in the ways it best unleashes and suits the true you regardless of age, gender, sexuality, appearance and so on.

No need to wait.

Begin now. See and explore your beauty in all its glory and OWN and USE it.

Monogamy

Introspective thoughts that come to mind from ponderings of a pool of articles, conversations and forums...

I sometimes wonder how many people can truly commit to a monogamous relationship...not because they will cheat or because they don't put in effort, but because along with those issues, you simply have the reality of every individual evolving over the course of a lifetime. As two people evolve, compatibility must endure with these transformations. A couple who has been happily married for 20 or more years must have been able to grow in similar directions and with similar energies. What a feat.

However, you often find that most people just do not make it to that many years of marriage...in quality that is. This can be so for many different reasons, but one of those reasons is because at first...hell maybe even during the first 6-8 years of that relationship, the couple shares a similar walking path which is essentially a package of things including mutual interests and desires, but after those years have passed, one or both people might evolve in such a way that it shifts the balance out of that relationship. The things that were valued or shared at first either no longer apply or don't apply as much so that causes a change in that connection and that might lead to a divorce of "irreconcilable differences" as it is often formally put.

Just what does that mean when people list that as a reason for divorcing? I would assume it means as I previously described, but perhaps I am being too formulaic about the supposition. Who knows?

I've been reading a few discussions forums lately and I've been talking to a few people who have been sharing their relationship or dating woes, conflicts and rantings. One thing that was told to me was that in this day and age, so many people just do not know how to date or what to expect from others for courtship...that it's a confusing time where so many feel lost and feel they are destined to be happily "unpartnered" for the rest of their lives.

Is this so because now many in this society have too many choices of what they can do with their lives whereas before we followed stricter rules about what was expected during courtship and within a committed relationship? Are we spoiled and overexposed to too many things?

If so is that a bad or good thing? If it's bad, the devil's advocate question would be, "How do people really discover the core of themselves without having a wealth of experience and options? Who are they really and how can they develop this sense of self and awareness over time?" Why define yourself through a list of indefinables or rather limitations/unfulfilled desires (but then when do we ever stop desiring which begs the question of monogamy)?

If this is a good thing, I guess you already drank the cocktail provided by those questions and fall more in line with the implied reasoning...which is go with experience and constantly seek, evolve and realize...never committing, never settling and never staying contained in any manner or form.

I guess this is a scary and odd existence for so many...to be so far out there in this world full of options and the ability to establish freedom of being (supposedly). Those who are single long for what attached people have and those who are attached are wishing for some aspects of single life or single life period. Everyone is doing the splits. Each side wants something the other has and no one can find a damned way to exist harmoniously. Some have...more so as single people than attached I would guess. But then again it is MY guess because I am thinking there are far more single people out there than long-term committed and especially married.

Life...the ultimate game...you can make your own rules or follow someone else's set but do you ever really know how to play?

Late night mental ramblings of course put into the form of word...indeed this is.

The World of Surprising Faces

I am getting some disturbing images and thoughts about faces.

My mind is imagining a young woman who has encountered an irreversible, startling and/or disgusting reality in the faces of others. This is what she sees:

• Faces that possess the texture of the bottoms of very dirty and filthy shoes.


• Faces that are teeming with a million worms living inside of pores


• Faces that are filled with pulsating juicy blueberries embedded underneath the skin


• Faces that cast off double expressions where twisted smiles are half-way engulfed by shriveling sad mouths and where widened happy eyes are infused with pairs that are covered heavily in white film and signs of massive infection


• Faces that, upon closer inspection, are really illusions created by the clustering and bonding of extremely tiny multi-colored squeaking creatures


• Faces that are frozen in an expression but emanate the most lively and animated voices and sound effects.


• Faces that are hideous to look at for a few seconds but soon become interpreted as profoundly beautiful visions


• Faces that contain extrusions of many bone-like growths


• Faces that appear to have depth but really are very flat surfaces that exist only in theory


• Faces that look normal from a distance but reveal themselves as twisted and gaping portals into unknown realms once they are closer in view.


• Faces that are entirely parasitic entities and traps that wait for engaging conversations with others but devour and take on the look and entity of their victims once they are fully consumed.


• Faces that explode into a violent storm of sand and smoke once certain key words are spoken to them


• Faces that enlarge into the massive size of planets at certain times of the day which immediately alters the existence and and reality of any current spectators

I am not sure why these images are flooding into my mind. Some of them are very unpleasant. I think they might be coming to mind as somewhat synesthetic interpretations of impressions I've gotten from various people lately. Yeah I think that's it.

Being Human

What does it mean to be very human? How would we all look if we lived by our rawest behavioral codes? I notice that people are threatened by and very judgmental towards other who are "more human" than they are. I guess everything we do is human so to speak because we are humans doing whatever we do, but I am referring to "being human" as a way to describe a state of living in free expression of your natural instincts...no matter how odd they seem.

For example, I'll get an urge to utter this nonsensical sound while sitting at my computer typing. It's random and it doesn't seem to many any sense...but the urge is there once in awhile. If I were in the room with someone else or with a group of people and totally expressed this, I'd probably startle others or make them think I was on something because it's not kosher and "normal" behavior.

I sometimes get the urge to get up and let out a scream, get into a certain body position, moved my arms in a certain way, let out a guttural laugh or say a gibberish word or term that comes about from looking at an associated person or object. Some of these things relate to having synesthesia but I think on a basic level...they are still things that others might feel the need to do too. I censor all of these things when I am around people...because of course I've adapted to common social etiquette and I wouldn't want anyone to perceive me as crazy, unpleasant or uncouth.

But what if we all just let go...lived in a state of complete natural expression and thinking? What would happen? Who would you be? What would you discover about yourself? How would society restructure itself overall? Would we develop a natural life rhythm as a social community?

I think we might be the only species that lives with censorship of our authentic natures.

I know I am not going to go out tomorrow and start behaving this way. My filters will remain on and I will continue to respect social etiquette more or less because I just don't live in that kind of society but I still think about this from time to time. I also wonder if this makes any sense to others. I like to think many can relate to this and that everyone in their own way has their "weird urges" and impulses that they hold back all the time...without thinking...because we've been socialized.

The Depths of Curiosity

A few days ago, I spoke with my fiancé about pedophilia and its causes. Pedophilia is understandably a very off-putting and disturbing topic for many. The topic can touch a nerve for those who have been abused, witnessed the behavior, know someone who has been a victim or are just completely sickened by the idea.

It's one of the many topics that I think about once in awhile because it's such an enigma to me. What causes one to have this type of sexuality? Is it nature, nurture or both? If it's nature, how can we explain this psychologically and medically? These are some of the questions I ask myself. Presently there are only loose theories about the causes and there are no solid proven answers amongst medical professionals and social scientists.

I've always been an extremely curious individual. I am the type of person who is fascinated by things that are abnormal, controversial, rare, strange, wacky, zany and the like. I enjoy learning about various cultures, traditions, sciences, arts, trivial information and much more. I love learning overall and any chance I can get but the farther something is outside the margins of normality, the more it piques my interest. A lot of people just don't want to open themselves up to what exists outside of their comfort zone. They willfully block these things out from their learning agenda and place limits on exploring. They fear that the knowledge and awareness that they may obtain through the process of seeking without boundaries can linger and haunt them forever...or in some cases destroy or tarnish.

I understand this thinking and I've experienced it, but somehow my curiosity continues to get the best of me. I immediately think of the death of author/journalist Iris Chang. No one truly knows why she committed suicide but it has been theorized that although she suffered with chronic depression for a good while, she fell into a very abysmal, paranoid and unrecoverable state of depression that catapulted her to suicide, after researching heavily and relentlessly for her book, The Rape of Nanking. I realize that the research work for her book was not a mere act of curiosity but rather an expression of advocacy and commemoration for the Chinese victims of Japanese war crimes but if the suspicion surrounding her death is true, then it is a good case for how unadulterated awareness in some contexts might lead to or exacerbate mental anguish, disturbance and dissonance.

Is it healthy to open our minds to any and every reality that's out there? Should we keep some topics unexplored in order to preserve a sense of well-being? I guess it is up to each person to answer this question because the answers will differ from one person to the next.

My fiancé mentioned that subject matter dealing with serial killers, murder, pedophilia, suicide and the like are themes he dislikes exploring...even on a purely intellectual level. He doesn't want to know why or how when it comes to the minds of people who commit acts in the aforementioned categories.

I, on the other hand, am fascinated by human behavior on many levels which includes behavior in those areas. I find that the more extreme human behavior is, the more it makes us question what we define as normal for our kind. I also think it reveals how certain elements that exist in "normality" can create many instances of what we consider abnormal. It's easy for the mainstream of a given society to feel that it is completely separate and uninspiring to behavior and people that we deem as depraved, perverse and immoral.

I personally think that knowledge can be a way to protect ourselves. If we understand, to some degree, the mindset of people who are for whatever reason prone to criminal behavior, then we can make wiser choices about how to shield ourselves and loved ones from harm. We can trust without paranoia and we can clearly recognize the way that we influence others and contribute to society over the course of our lives. It is easy to think that there is more bad than good when we consistently learn of atrocities, tragedies and acts of terror and degradation. This feeling is further enhanced by living in a society where violence is constantly promoted, talked about and shown through many media outlets.

Growing up, I read a lot on forensic pathology, abnormal psychology/mental illness as well as serial killers. I developed a sizable book collection on these topics. This was also during a time when I had aspirations of becoming a psychiatrist or a forensic scientist. As for serial killers, their backgrounds, motives and minds deeply interested me on an intellectual level. I wanted to know how some of these people could commit the bizarre and nightmarish crimes they did. I wanted to know how and why they were so different from what we perceive as the average person. I wanted to understand the mysterious nature and causes behind psychopathy and sociopathy, all the while feeling disgust and disdain. I also wanted to understand myself in relation to such extremes.

As I absorbed more information on these subjects, I will say that a lot of it disturbed and haunted my mind for quite some time. I remember first listening to a song by one of my favorite bands Oneroid Psychosis entitled "Discharge" from their album Dreams with Pollutions When Virile and an extreme state of darkness came upon me. Each time I played the track, my mind obsessively went back to many of the explicit stories and details I read about various serial killers. The heavy and discordant mood was hard to shake and at the time, the track made me feel like I lived in a world completely taken over by violent perversity and mental depravity. As a synesthete, the song also triggered menacing, unusual and ghostly blends of colors (glowing oranges, yellow circular highlights and large spaces of blackness), images, and textures.

This effect was of course a compliment to their brilliant ability to create, set and trigger mood. The song is beautiful and it's masterfully produced by talented duo/brothers Leif and Lars Hansen, but the melody created such an intense atmosphere for me. When I listen to the track now, it no longer conjures those feelings although I remember them. I can enjoy it in a different way. I think I allowed those moods to run their course. The purged themselves automatically over time.

However, there are some topics that still rattle and shake me up a bit. I am uncomfortable talking extensively about the possible death of loved ones because this subject rates high on my list of fears. I am uncomfortable talking about incest because it is extremely unnatural and disgusting to me. I am also uncomfortable discussing topics on phobias that I have and sometimes I just don't feel like putting my mind in a sinister or grimy context, so this will influence what I am open to exploring and talking about on a given day.

With this being said, I admit I have a hard time understanding people who choose to be extremely closed to topics and realities outside of their comfort zone. It's one thing to refrain from becoming a specialist on some topics and talking about gritty gratuitous details because they are too upsetting or vile to handle, but another to totally block out all acknowledgment. I think it's dangerous to side with willful ignorance because it keeps some doors to understanding self and others forever closed.

I think there should be a balance...a healthy one between choosing what to completely expose yourself to and learning a bit more about this world that we live in whether it is good or bad. I think this balance has to be cultivated with respect to how strong we think we are and should be mentally, spiritually and emotionally as individuals. Some of us are more impressionable and/or sensitive than others. Some of us are trying to cleanse ourselves from toxic ideas and thoughts in order to maintain healthiness and others might be trying to run away from deeply hidden desires or drives within themselves. It's a mixed bag.

With me, being excessively curious will always be a given. I have a very active mind that requires lots of stimulation and I enjoy understanding things. This is a strong core trait and inclination. I don't have the option of ridding myself of it and I don't feel that I should if I could . I have learned to recognize when I need to use filters and when it's OK to fully explore and learn. I have also learned to realize when I seek out dark knowledge and subject matter to match and feed a dark mood and when I am showing innate and healthy intellectual curiosity. These sharpened areas of my intuition have, to some degree, have been nurtured by having an open mind. I also admit that I am just intrigued by what's different...outside of intellectual development.

What are some topics that disturb you? Which topics do you completely avoid discussing in depth? Why? Do you feel that our minds should be completely open to all levels of reality or do you feel that we should place limits on our curiosity? Why do you feel the way you do?

You Are My Everything

Should we look to fulfill all or most of our needs in a romantic partner? I've thought about this intermittently over the years and I think it's healthy to develop at least a few friendships to satisfy different bonding needs.

I think of my relationship with my fiancé and I realize that although we have a lot of uncanny things in common and there are some differences which balance us out, there are things we just won't ever really relate to the same way.

For example, I am a very spiritual non-religious person and my fiancé is what you would call an agnostic-atheist. He generally is of the mindset that if something can't be seen or proven, then it probably doesn't exist in a metaphysical context or it doesn't exist at all. With that being said, he still remains open to ideas and other realities which makes him willing to explore to some degree. Just not to the degree I naturally wish to and do often explore.

Should I hold this against my fiancé and consider our otherwise strong level of compatibility a wash? Of course not. It's not like he's a radical hardcore atheist and I a fundamentalist religious person. I know we often hear the term opposites attractive but I don't take this too literally and I think it's taken out of context quite often. Opposites attract when partners bring different inclinations and traits to the table that balance one another.

The aforementioned pairing would not work because both people are too set in their ways and would naturally try to proselytize to the other. The relationship would cease to grow. In my relationship with my fiancé, we do have a lot of ground to work with but I think it would be healthy for me to be open to cultivating friendships with people who can relate to my brand and level of spiritualism more strongly.

These friendships would only add more enrichment to my life and I'd continue to appreciate the bond I have with my partner rather than expecting him to literally and unrealistically be a duplicate of myself. No one could ever satisfy such expectations.

You are fortunate if you've truly found your partner in crime, but don't forget to come up for air and explore the waiting and rewarding connections in the world around you. Opening yourself up to other energies outside of your relationship once in awhile is what can truly make you see your partner as "your everything".

On The Definition of Cheating

Cheating...well everyone certainly has their own definition of what cheating is to them. I've heard some crazy ones though.

I am pretty direct and to the point about cheating. I've never experienced this and I'd certainly never cheat (I can say that confidently). I have no tolerance for it. I figure there are -always- better ways to handle a situation if my partner feels disconnected, wants to step outside of the relationship or has other desires. They can communicate to me and let me know what is going on. That's not an easy thing to hear or to express, but it is always a better alternative to cheating.

Cheating to me is when:

1. my partner sleeps with someone else


2. my partner kisses someone else in a romantic or sexual manner or -lets- someone else do this to them


3. my partner fondles or gropes someone else or -lets- someone do these things to them


4. my partner makes efforts to get involved emotionally with someone else (love letters, phone calls, meetings, etc)


5. my partner is in love with someone else and encourages the associated feelings and connection


6. my partner goes online and uses dating sites or matchmaking services

Any of these things would fit into my definition of cheating. I can respect the decision of others to have an open relationship or one that is polyamorous in nature. There's no "cheating" going on in those kinds of relationships if both people have an understanding from the beginning. I have a strong curiosity with learning about the relationship styles of others because it's different from what I prefer or desire. However, I know relationships like that aren't for me because I am wired differently. I prefer monogamy and my desire to be so has nothing to do with morals or ethics. Ethics only comes into play if a breach of trust is broken and there's a lack of integrity involved.

I think if someone feels that they can't commit to a relationship, then they need to be honest about and live according to those desires. Let people know from the jump if you aren't looking for anything serious. Don't string people along. Don't play games or manipulate for ego-gratifying purposes. Set boundaries in casual connections. Get involved with people who are looking for the same thing. Explore other types of relationships that allow you to be with more than one person. Stay single and figure out what you want ultimately. Whatever it is...figure it out and be honest and direct.

I think cheating is most likely to happen when communication is dead or severely limited between two people...or if one or both people are "stuffers" or "internalizers". Emotions get swept under the rug and there's no desire a person's part to find out what they or their partner feels because it's awkward, perceived as weak and vulnerable, something they've never been used to or there's a fear with laying things out on the table (used to avoiding conflict and directness).

I also think a lack of mutual vulnerability (openness) is damaging and threatening and it must be nipped in the bud early on. Being able to be vulnerable or open with a partner...or feeling like you CAN be...facilitates a desire to communicate and be a relationship team. Lack of vulnerability creates power struggles, resentment, manipulation games and posturing.

If you feel like you can't open up to your partner, then you both start to conspire against one another. Both people feel suspicious about the other closing up and "hiding" information or their feelings. Both partners (or one person feel) feel like they are misunderstood and not listened to, which creates posturing. Posturing is when the person puts up a front to pretend that they are stronger or more secure than they are feeling inside. Anger replaces expressions of hurt because to cry or to show sadness is to appear weak to the "enemy" (the mistrusted one).

So with all of this toxic stuff happening...the relationship becomes a strong breeding ground for cheating/affairs although none of that will solve anything even if one or both people go on to other relationships. Not unless there's some learning going on.

These are very common dramas in relationships and most people lack the courage to address these things head on. Relationships certainly present growth challenges and mirror dynamics.

Some people cheat for the thrill and the pursuit...to see what they can get away with...to establish a world within a world that only they and their lover(s) know about when they meet at their secret times and places. So it's not always about an emotional connection or to get away from a mess in cowardice. Of course, if a person who craved this didn't do it in the confines of a relationship, the affairs wouldn't have mystery or a sense of adventure to it. They get off on daring liaisons. I think the only remedy here is for the other person to always pay attention to the person they are committing too. Study their personality and character closely.

Rarely does a person like this neglect dropping hints or revealing him/herself in some manner over time. No one is that good of an actor. There's always a clue.

Potential Energy

Sometimes when I am observing, let's say, a political debate...I'll realize that I don't have enough information to really form an opinion or to even know what I think, in depth, on a particular issue. It has nothing to do with my capacity for understanding but rather the lack of possessing enough data in that arena. I also realize that if I took the time to gain more knowledge and information on a given topic, that it will allow me to help to foster greater understanding. I would be prepared to offer my view, to try to see the "bigger picture" by looking at all sides, to form analogies where analogies might not have been created and to perhaps fuel epiphanies for both myself and others. I feel I have the potential to do that and that this is where my part as an instrument also comes in but first I must process more information on a given subject. In order to really think about something on your own requires more information to work with. There's so much to absorb.

When I think of how much there is to learn, it can be overwhelming...but I also think it's amazing and inspiring. I feel this way when I enter bookstores or libraries. I feel this intense sense of urgency...like I just want to open up the top of my head and dump everything inside all at once.

But of course that's not possible. I do, however, tend to prefer the autodidactic approach when it comes to learning and seek and use resources accordingly. A good place to start would be to make a list of books I'd like to read and order them through Amazon...and check off items on that list as I complete each book. I also don't strive to just read or know about things I am comfortable or agree with. You can't gain understanding and and cultivate and gain awareness by doing that.

This would fit well into the idea of doing and learning something new -every- day.

Why not utilize potential energy? I don't think most people do in a progressive sense. We get wrapped up in so many mundane and petty dramas. It's blinding. It's distracting and over the span of our lives, it might tragic and wasteful.

Lucid Thinking...

Perhaps the nature of existence and being is ideally a complete circle. It's the perfect symbol. Not like a square or any other object with defined set points. An infinite amount of points (possibilities and modes of life) can be placed on the path of a circle. Humans tend to think in line segments. That thinking inclination inspires how we function and understand. There's a beginning and there's a definite end in line segment logic. If there's a beginning we want to know its source. We believe there has to be a discrete source. However the source is the ending because the ending is the beginning.

It is mind-boggling and hard to process this because again we want a source. We can't accept this question as being a universal. Has existence always been self-containing and self-supporting? Has it always been a complete circle?

I think of the infinity symbol and see that it's a circle collapsing into itself. As a result, the collapse creates two hemispheres connected by a central point which establishes a dividing plane. If you were to draw a vertical line on that central point, it would create a dividing plane. Perhaps that describes our existence on this planet or in the physical world. Our goal might be to strive towards completion...overcoming that invisible plane and becoming a circle where the connection between a higher realm (on the left side of the plane) and the material realm (existing on the right side of the plane) is no longer divided. Perhaps that is evolution. Perhaps that is our goal.

I think this question comes up a lot. As a species, why are humans here? Why did we evolve to this point? If we were to become extinct tomorrow, the earth would survive without us and it has before quite well. We create "imbalance" and then seek to save our environment from that imbalance when it has gotten out of hand. But again we created it. We are too intelligent for our own good at times (or are we?). We create ideals that we'd like to strive but aren't ready for because we haven't reached that point in evolution. Or we expect everyone to be ready for certain stages of evolution collectively.

So why are we here? What do we need to contribute as a species? and why do we possess a particular level of consciousness and reasoning abilities that other species are believed to not have? There must be a reason. We were at one point less evolved collectively, but if you believe of natural selection as some form of "manifest destiny" in the world of nature, then even this journey in evolution, for us, was not a chance development. It suits some cause.

If something is created, then we can imply that it never existed before. Perhaps it always did. Creation might really just be transformation of an energy or possibility that is already there. Perhaps we are meant to help this planet reach its maximum value (temperature/global warming) in the realm of entropy...and once we do, the earth will reach absolute zero temperature (sun dies out). Something new will then come out of this cycle.

I go back to a previous entry, on LiveJournal, here where I talked about everything happening all at once and how there can be an infinite number of Allyson's existing in unlimited dimensions. If I "create" a path...then I am saying it didn't exist before. I am just choosing something that already exists in a different dimension.

As someone in a previous LiveJournal entry mentioned to me in a response to a previous entry: if this is true, then why is any choice that we make more important or epic than another? That's a very good question.

The civilization of choices. Maybe no choice is inherently better. They all have their conveniences and are used as instruments to fulfill a certain purpose or need. Just like we might be instruments as life forms. We are choices existing on an infinite self-supporting plane. So what truly orchestrates our choices? We like to say it is "us" as a singular entity existing entirely on our own...but perhaps that's not the right perception. Again our choices might be bigger than "us" in our myopic perspectives. We are instruments. It's definitely something to think about.

The Past & Loss

I think one of my biggest fears is the loss of a loved one. That's a subject that's hard to look at objectively or deeply (because it's inevitable and never something you can really prepare for) each time it's considered...especially as the music of decay becomes louder all around me. Evidence of decay is always there of course because that's part of life and existence but I think we put it in the background when it doesn't really involve "direct connections", attachments and bonds...it's hard to imagine ourselves without those connections and that we'll never have them again in this lifetime in such a tangible sense.

I find that although I enjoy change, development and transition, I am very much a person who finds it hard to adapt to change in other ways. As I often look to the future, I also tend to be very sentimental and attached to the past. I am often afflicted by ghosts, people and experiences of the past. Sometimes it is hard to "let go" and accept...or to bury. As a result, when I think about the past and change, it's a very sad process. I feel sick with nostalgia, "what was" and memories of youth and family...everything was newer, simpler and bigger on some level in younger days. Naiveté...innocence, fumbling, discovery, finding one's way through "firsts"... Even some of my negative experiences and difficult times take on more of an idealistic impression when I feel this way...you feel like you want to stop time from having consistent motion and curl up inside of its suddenly protective wings with all of the people you love and all of the things you know and are familiar with...lasting forever in unity

I seem to "enjoy" being a circle in this instance...because I am going to find myself back into a morose mood if the focus on this subject continues right now...

The Hypnotic Properties of Music

Right now I am listening to the album The Tango Saloon by The Tango Saloon. I am starting to notice that I prefer a lot of music without words (or with very few) when writing or reflecting. In other words (heh), the music preferred is instrumental and atmospheric. It gently creates a mood.

This isn't an exclusive preference but it seems to be less distracting and more relaxing and stimulating.

There was a time when I started to use music as a way to bring myself into a trance state. One of my favorite albums to do this to was Children of Chaos by T99. The album came out in 1992. The breakthrough hit, "Anasthasia" immediately captured my attention through the now defunct but legendary Los Angeles radio station MARS-FM 103.1. I was a huge fan of this station and would listen to it all the time. So many odd and awesome alternative and electronic artists/bands were introduced into the mainstream.

Anyway, I remember turning on the music, sitting in low lighting and allowing myself to become hypnotized by escaping into the environments, scenes and settings that the music invoked mentally. The more I did this, the more I'd find it easier each time to go into trance mode.

I am not sure what this did for me on a deep level, but it was calming, relaxing and balancing. I could forget about my tangible environment and go somewhere else for the time being. I haven't done this in years and I am thinking that maybe I should incorporate this form of meditation back into my life. I do it see as a form of meditation and sensory guidance.

As a very passionate, sensual and feeling person, the process would be good for me. It's important to feel and to tap into sensations because you can become so aware and tuned into things, however this wiring can also be crippling and distracting. The notion of mind over matter deserves some attention and incorporation. There are some skills to be learned here.

Tristesse Globale

I love this somber and melancholy short track by Royksopp. It's from their album The Understanding, which is very good. It is called "Tristesse Globale". Someone created or edited a video on YouTube using the song as a backdrop. I'd have different ideas for a video, but it's the only video on the site where the track is played. The track is also available on my MySpace profile music playlist:







When I listen to it, the video evokes the overwhelming sensations of inevitable loss, suffocating sadness and consuming despair. The emotions are inescapable and fixed, making you utterly sick and ill with them. You can barely breathe or absorb the onslaught of feelings. Tears flow like the crashing, theatrical waters of a rebellious ocean. There's no rescue or horizon of release. Everything else disappears and waves of inexplicable pain wash over and the colorless night seems like it will last literally forever.

Inspiration & Competition

Inspiration comes from so many sources - experiences, nature, people, events, etc.

Lately, I've been looking at a lot of inspiring websites and businesses. I connect with a kindred energy when I sense and feel it. You can discover a lot about yourself, your true goals and passions when you pay attention to what you are drawn to. Patterns can be acknowledged and analyzed and further clarity becomes a result.

I was talking my fiance Andrew about inspiration and also about competition yesterday. What does it mean for someone to be competitive when they aspire to reach a goal or better define themselves?

I don't necessarily see competition as bad or even destructive, but I do think there are some delusions involved in how some people view competition in themselves. For example, I remember talking with a friend and he mentioned that he hates when others are competitive and that this world would be better off without that kind of drive or focus. I asked him if he saw himself as competitive and he said, "No, I am not really competitive, although I do try to top myself and that's different." I told him that was competition, but just directed in a different sense and I also mentioned that he'd be surprised to discover how that inner sense of urgency is often fueled by external factors. It's impossible to be absolutely free of that as a human being or a life form period. On a very basic level, it's what defines some function of life and also what makes us able to survive through better adaptations.

I explained how competition with others, in the realm of individualism rather than collective consciousness and being, is not really about "others"...it IS essentially about oneself; the preservation, survival and betterment of oneself through a mode of vicarious direction which reveals values and self-truths. A competitive target could be anyone and anything...it's just a mirror. So again, it is essentially about self. Some people are more or less external in this mode, but that's just a different mode of how competition functions. I also think that targets of competition can't really take or be given any personal credit given what I just mentioned...because they are mirrors. If it's not that particular situation or person, then it will be another...given that whatever is valued is present.

I thought about this because as I was looking around at sites and profiles of people that I admire, I felt inspiration but I also felt a twinge of wanting to compete. I analyzed that and saw that it came back to the vicarious mode. There are desires inside that create standards and I wish to reach and eventually surpass those standards because it all plays a part of how I desire to define my life. I feel that definition comes from who I think I am as a person and what I think my life purpose is and should be.

If one can look at this process of analysis, one can find out if components in this "formula" create a good result or link up. Look at what makes you respond, compete, feel inspired and so forth. Look at the inner pull involved in these expressions/feelings and see if a set of standards can be realized. Once those standards are realized, think further about life purpose and self-definition and decide whether or not this all really reflects who you think you are or who you think you should be. You might have to do some "retracking" and restructuring and what comes to be realized might not even be pleasant or make sense. This sounds very exact and sequential although the process is more quantum in nature. I think it's an important process to put oneself through. Discovery and epiphanies will come about for sure and it won't necessarily be instant...but it will be progress nonetheless.

On a more show n' tell note, here are few sources of innovation that I feel a connection to and am inspired by:

Illustrators/Designers Vicki Wong and Michael Murphy of Meomi
Illustrator Simone Legno of Tokidoki
Jewelry/Fashion Designer Tarina Tarantino
Illustrator(s) behind Indeepop

There are many more to list, but I'll keep the list brief...for now.

I've been able to read about the history of artistic development and ambition of some of these artists and again I find them so inspiring. I've been working on Pink Laughter Kingdom more actively in the last month, particularly with character development. Character development is central to creating a world identity. The Pink Laughter Kingdom concept has been in my head for so long and it's time to really push it to the next level.

In an effort to further articulate many of my visions in this realm, I will be going into an intense mode of self-education and development. I decided to check back with Gnomon School of Visual Effects for 5 week and 10 week class sessions as I work at home. The classes are 500 dollars each so that's not too bad for 5-10 week sessions. I'd like to develop my skills in gesture, character and figure drawing, by taking some of these classes during the weekend if possible in the middle of the week, because I have a lot of ideas for character development that involve stronger skills in this area of illustration. Additionally, I think Santa Monica College has some interesting weekend classes to look into.

As I mentioned before, I'd like to develop more skills in the area of web development as well. Nothing intense or big as I am not aspiring to be a full-fledged programmer of course. I just seek development that will further help me to be self-reliant in my design projects and as an artist with greater technical skills. I am trying to lessen that chasm I spoke about in a previous entry...between artistic vision and realization.

Cool site (I so love designer toys!)...it is in Japanese, but there are many figures to look at in the products section, once going further into the site.

Good Smile Company

Public Libraries (Taking on the status of arcades)

Outside of academic and/or campus libraries, I just don't hear of many people going to local libraries anymore...if they have one of their area. Libraries have become rather obsolete, nonexistent and/or antiquated in many locations and if they do exist, it seems a small percentage of people really seek out the comfort, space and benefits of a library atmosphere.

Maybe today's libraries need to be revamped and promoted in a different way to attract younger people.

The reality is that today's generation just doesn't read nearly as much as previous generations. Funding cuts have undermined the development, maintenance and promotion of public libraries in many areas. Furthermore, bookstores have taken the place of libraries to a large degree. Bookstores have the coffee and cafe section, areas with music and magazines, and tables and chairs set up to entice people to stay, lounge, read and hopefully make purchases. Yep, they are semi-functional modern-day libraries

I've always loved going to libraries .When I was younger, trips to the library were definitely excursions I always looked forward to when my father took me along. He'd often go for job-related research material and downtime.

I was fascinated with getting my hands on all sorts of reading material, especially if the material was very offbeat, controversial and related to medicine. I'd look at a lot of psychology books and journals and seek out medical publications featuring pictures, descriptions and explanations for various skin diseases and illnesses. The images would often be bizarre and unsettling, but I'd find myself extremely drawn to viewing and reading about them regardless. I remember that I'd always hide these books from my father, once I saw him approaching, because I knew he'd disapprove of me looking at books he considered inappropriate. Pictures of men with pus-leaking and scab-covered penises and torsos were not images he would have approved of no matter how medical the book was in context. LOL!!

Exploring the interior of large libraries was an extra delight. I'd love getting lost in the meandering hallways, numerous floors, back rooms, quiet and mysterious conference rooms and the sections with periodicals and references. When it was time to leave, I couldn't wait to check out some of my selections especially since using my library card made me feel so giddy. Having a library card was like having a credit/cash card and going to the library was like shopping. Coming home from the library with reading goods to indulge in was euphoric.

I miss that...

These trips were also very much like the trips to my father's office. He'd take me during weekends when very few people were there and I'd run around exploring all of the desks and areas in the building while he worked in his office. I'd find all sorts of things on people's desks - jars of candy, cookies in tin containers, unusually shaped erasers, colored pencils, bright neon markers and pens and so forth. At some point, I'd spend the rest of the time there drawing and playing around on some of the white boards, with markers I retrieved from my father's desk. It was very much like an adventure. I am sure that when everyone came back into office, they were puzzled as to why some of their desk treats were missing or less in number. Blame it on the elusive office elf...

I'd love to see a resurgence of library culture and popularity...outside of academic settings.