Openness and Intimacy

One of the subjects I've been thinking about more lately is whether or not people should strive to be completely honest in a relationship regarding their emotions and their past. What is true intimacy and how do you create that in a relationship?

Should someone know as much as possible about their partner or should both people keep some things (past expriences, beliefs, ideas, etc.) to themselves?

I initiated this topic on a discussion board and several people replied, but I came across a common response from a woman. She said that if her current partner revealed that he had slept with a prostitute in the past, then she wouldn't want to know. Of course this reveals how she feels about prostitution and men who seek out prositutes for sex as there are many women who wouldn't be bothered by this kind of admission. She also said that an ex-boyfriend revealed some things to her about his past and consequently, she couldn't look at him the same although she stated, in defense of maintaining privacy in relationships, that "the past is the past and should not dictate who someone is today"...

She ended her response by asking why do we need to be that open in relationships?

I thought for a bit and this was my response:

I don't think there's a need to sit one's partner down and mechanically go through a list of things that you'd want to reveal all at once or give explicit sexual details, but I do think if certain questions are asked, they should be honestly answered in a very close relationship or discussed later in an organic fashion.

I know I am in the minority with this thinking but I feel this way because whatever happens as a result will reveal truth regardless. It will reveal truth about whether or not there's shame about one's past, the relationship can still prosper after knowledge, and what judgment really means about intrinsic beliefs and values about the person judging and so forth.

I've always liked to get closer than most people feel comfortable with in relationships, because I like to do this with myself to a large degree, and I know that's not a comforting thing. But I think it challenges in a way that is good in the long run.

For example, you mentioned a partner told you something about their past that bothered you. You kept focusing on it and couldn't let go/work through it, so it changed the way you saw him. I think what the truth revealed was could you deeply love him regardless of what he did in his past (especially if you believe he was different at a later time), was he truly the person for you, were you able to analyze what he told you and gain some clarity as to why it continued to bother you...or if it really should?

That is -not- a comfortable process and people want to avoid that understandably so, but again it reveals truth, strength, inner feelings/values and emotions...and it establishes authenticity.

A friend (of the past), several years ago, told me in private that she learned about her boyfriend's past. He opened up to her later on in the relationship. She was with her boyfriend for 4 years and she felt they were very close and could discuss anything. Eventually, after watching American History X and getting into a discussion about one scene, he revealed to her, that when he was younger, he had been raped by a couple of boys, who were sons of his mother's boyfriend.

The rapes would happen often and he'd be coerced into them, being the youngest of the boys. Eventually, she said he mentioned that he became confused by the acts once he turned 12. He started to experiment and engage in the acts on his own and stopped when he was 14.

After he told her this, she admitted to me that she had been so affected by what he revealed and needed someone to talk to. She also said although she felt bad for him and saw the experiences as tragic, she started to wonder about his sexuality and if he had some repressed attraction for men. I asked her why and she said because he decided to "turn the rape into experimentation". I found out that they eventually broke up a few months later as a result. She didn't trust his sexuality and I think there was some part of her that felt that men who were abused (even without the experimentation part) were less masculine and partially at fault for "letting" rape occur because it's hard for society to see boys and men as victims when compared to girls and women. It's not uncommon for a lot of people to feel this way although it's controversial and shameful to admit.

Should he have revealed the experimental part of his past or the abuse altogether? They seemed to be getting along fine before this but this admission caused conflict, shame, doubt and fear.

I think it was for the best. There are women who would hear his admission and not react the same way. They'd handle it differently; make him feel more comfortable in admitting, speaking about it further and getting out feelings on his experiences and so forth. She was not cut out to see her way through any of that, so the intimacy was not able to go any deeper.

I imagine that they might have stayed together longer if he didn't admit any of that (all of him; his present AND his PAST), but again, he needed someone who could hear and deal with that. I felt for her...I did. But inside, I also felt it created some Taoism, so to speak.

I think the same way about other aspects of sexual pasts, including sleeping with prostitutes, threesomes and so forth. There are people out there who don't care or aren't bothered by certain admissions. They possess the right energy for certain people who might have a particular past that otherwise wouldn't be accepted by someone else.

It's up to each person to decide how deep and authentic they want their relationship to be. You must decide how vulnerable you feel you can be in your relationship in order to facilitate a feeling of comfort, trust and kinship. Who are you with? What can they handle? How strong is the relationship? What are you and your partner's deepest convictions, beliefs and values?

I then thought further and realized that of course this topic is very complex and while I do totally stand by what I said, I know that there are some other issues that come into play regarding being open and very intimate. I DO realize this and I don't think one should be open with just ANYONE until they are very sure, know they can trust and that the person is worth it and has decent character and maturity. Some things are just foolhardy. You can never know for sure, but that's where instincts, attention and mindfulness come in to help decide these things.

I also think it's telling if someone isn't willing to open up as much as you are willing to at the same time. It could mean several things, some of those things implicating slow caution, but sometimes it means that you could be with someone that wants you to give them leverage over you through vulnerability.

Some people might not want to reveal elements of themselves or their past completely for these reasons:

1. Afraid of someone knowing so much about you and not knowing if a relationship with that person will last "forever". Once you part with that person, they possess knowledge of many of your secrets.



2. As an extension of the aforementioned, when you share so much of yourself, you give the other person a certain level of importance, and in some cases, power. Will they use this information against you later on either during the relationship or if you wind up parting?



3. Afraid of looking flawed, weak, immoral and/or hypocritical.



4. As I mentioned somewhat in my response to this woman, there's the issue of confronting feelings of shame, old demons, guilt and self-judgment. If some dredge up their pasts, they are afraid of disturbing the seemingly dead beneath the burial ground. Not everyone deals with their past experiences and decisions or comes to peace with them head on. They are stuffers. So as they go on with their lives and develop into another self-view, they don't want anything being revealed or confronted to remind them of a self-view that clashes with their current one...and again they certainly don't want to play these dramas out before someone else if they can barely do it through self-disclosure. I notice that in this struggle, some people might claim to be non-regretful of their past and even proud of it, yet they react in this manner with fear if someone very close wants to know about general details of their past. Culpability adds more to this tangled web.

Whatever we do NOW, we better be prepared to OWN it later. If not, decide why you are doing what you are doing.

I also think that some people really are impaired when it comes to being emotionally honest. They might have grown up in a family where metaphorically, closed doors in a hallway are fine, normal and expected. So when someone finally comes into their life to challenge that, they freak out, get defensive, become even more secretive to maintain control and get angry or shut down.

Again a complex issue...