The Past & Loss

I think one of my biggest fears is the loss of a loved one. That's a subject that's hard to look at objectively or deeply (because it's inevitable and never something you can really prepare for) each time it's considered...especially as the music of decay becomes louder all around me. Evidence of decay is always there of course because that's part of life and existence but I think we put it in the background when it doesn't really involve "direct connections", attachments and bonds...it's hard to imagine ourselves without those connections and that we'll never have them again in this lifetime in such a tangible sense.

I find that although I enjoy change, development and transition, I am very much a person who finds it hard to adapt to change in other ways. As I often look to the future, I also tend to be very sentimental and attached to the past. I am often afflicted by ghosts, people and experiences of the past. Sometimes it is hard to "let go" and accept...or to bury. As a result, when I think about the past and change, it's a very sad process. I feel sick with nostalgia, "what was" and memories of youth and family...everything was newer, simpler and bigger on some level in younger days. Naiveté...innocence, fumbling, discovery, finding one's way through "firsts"... Even some of my negative experiences and difficult times take on more of an idealistic impression when I feel this way...you feel like you want to stop time from having consistent motion and curl up inside of its suddenly protective wings with all of the people you love and all of the things you know and are familiar with...lasting forever in unity

I seem to "enjoy" being a circle in this instance...because I am going to find myself back into a morose mood if the focus on this subject continues right now...