Personal Spaces

Perhaps the trend isn’t so new in certain cultures, in some older generations and cases of estranged relationships between two people who stay married on paper and still live together, but in North America overall the trend of couples, living together either in marriage or a long-term partnership, maintaining separate bedrooms and bathrooms is steadily on the rise.

There are even marriage couples who are looking into buying separate houses, condos and apartment. The claim is that maintaining a good deal of personal space keeps a relationship healthy, symbiotic and enduring.

I am not sure what I think about this solidly. I know being in a long-term relationship (for two years now) with my fiancé, who lives in Canada while I live in the US, taints my opinion of maintaining major separate living conditions. The last thing I’d want to do, after the distance is finally gone between us, is to continue to keep that factor going.

Separate Bathrooms

I do find separate bathrooms very desirable. It is especially ideal for couples who have different habits and similar/different work schedules. One partner might have way more personal items than the other and not mind the counter being somewhat populated. It might sound like a preference based on messiness and laziness but if you are a person who needs to have reasonable access to relative items as you wash your face, comb your hair, apply makeup/shave and so forth, then you will want to arrange certain items around the counter space conveniently and keep those areas dedicated.

Some people are very minimal and extremely low-maintenance. They can’t stand the idea of anything around the counter space aside from a solid bar or bottle of liquid soap and a few hand towels to dry their face with.

A couple’s work schedules can affect the necessity or desirability for separate bathrooms. Usually a household contains a master bathroom connected to or near the master bedroom. If both partners need to get up at the same time to get ready for work and one person needs more time to get ready, then I am sure both people will appreciate having different bathrooms. But I find this to be the least promotional argument for having separate bathrooms. Whether or not two bathrooms spaces are classified each as belonging to a partner is not really effectual. If there is more than one bathroom in the house, someone can always use the other one regardless.

So I think having separate bathrooms is more impacted by habits and need for privacy.

Separate Bedrooms

Hmmm…well this tightens up things a bit. I will bring up the point I made with having two bathrooms, in that if one partner, for whatever reason, wants to sleep in another bedroom, given that there’s more than one bedroom in the house, then they can just do this without classifying it as “their” room.

So this means when I think of a couple having separate bedrooms, it’s more than just an occasional condition. It’s stable and consistent. In this case, I can’t see the desire for this in what I personally consider an idea relationship. I love the idea of sleeping close to my partner in bed each night. I like to feel him near as it makes me feel affectionate, secure and comforted. These seem like natural desires.

I remember reading a thread on a discussion board years ago, asking forum users if they liked the idea of having a separate bedroom from their partner. One man replied that he was a chronic and extremely loud snorer and his wife was a light sleeper. Ever since they got married, she initially found it hard to sleep next to him snoring so loudly and would experience nights where she got very little sleep for work the next day. As a result, he said they winded up maintaining separate sleeping areas. He took on another bedroom in the house.

Another woman mentioned that she and her husband had completely different work schedules and when her husband got up to get ready for work, she did not want her sleep disturbed. So they too began to cultivate separate sleeping quarters.

I guess I can understand these exceptional cases…especially the first one as I would just hate hearing snoring period. That makes me feel glad that I don’t have a partner that snores like that and that I am not a snorer myself.

I think it’s important otherwise for couples to bond physically throughout their relationship, including at bedtime. This doesn’t always mean having sex. This just means being close together. I am not always one to snuggle, especially during very hot weather, but I do like to cuddle up often to my partner when sleeping. Eventually we move apart in our sleep anyway, so it’s not a hindrance. I am not worried about being put in a mindless choke hold while asleep.

Separate Houses

OK this is very weird to me. I can see doing this as a couple wanting to move in together after they officially get married. I can see this for a couple who is not married. As I write this I don’t have anything against cohabiting couples, especially since I’ve experienced this myself in the past, these are just reasons where I can see living in separate houses making sense.

As for a married couple, I don’t understand the reasoning behind this. It’s like a marriage couples wants to have their cake and eat it too. They want the feeling of being single while being married. I think if a couple needs separate housing, they might want to examine their desire for a long-term relationship or marriage…as well as the condition of their relationship period. I mean what’s the point of living in two completely different housing spaces?

Sleep in a different room if you have to in order to maintain privacy, but again different building means “trouble in utopia” so to speak.

I think one other area that might make sense here is if a couple is going through a separation period. They don’t want to officially split up but they do need their time apart to sort things out. They might feel that even living in the same house in separate bedrooms is too close for comfort so they work out living in separate housing until they can resolve their issues.

Overall, people are experimenting with new ways to define their relationships/marriages. For some people, these options work for them. They are able to maintain a healthy and close relationship while sustaining different types of living spaces from mild to extreme. I can’t really argue against whatever a couple does if it makes sense for them and it works.

But I think with whatever decisions people make here, they need to be completely honest about their motivations so both people know that they are on the same page and there are no excuses being made to slowly but safely detach oneself away from a relationship…in other words, taking the passive aggressive approach.

I always love to hear different takes and experiences on this subject though.