This or That?

The classic song by 80s rap group Black Sheep, "The Choice is Yours" comes to mind right now.

I just read an entry on a Dear Sugar blog. This was the blog entry:

This or That: Her Husband Confesses to Cheating or Having Feelings For You?

Your friend mentioned that she’s been having some issues with her husband lately, however you didn’t realize the extent of it until you head to their house for a dinner party. You watch his behavior turn from bad to worse with each drink. He’s continuing to pick fights with her and she’s obviously humiliated. When she heads into the kitchen, you pull him aside and ask him to stop his unreasonable behavior. Would it be worse if he responds by . . .

This: Confessing to seeing another woman on the side? He’s completely guilt ridden, which is why he's acting this way but he wants to make things right although your friend will be absolutely devastated to learn this news.

Or . . .

That: Revealing that he has deep feelings for you?. His lust and desire for you has made him realize that he can’t stay with your friend anymore.

My thinking is that...it's bad and I'd carry a burden either way but I think it would be worse if he revealed I was the object of his desire. In the case of him telling me about his affair and wanting to work things out...that is such a sensitive scenario. My immediate desire would be to tell my friend but the reactions here could be so complex. It's like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't on so many levels. What I would do is urge him to tell her. Tell her or else I will. That will make it that he has some pressure on his butt to make a move regardless of what results. If he doesn't, then I'd tell her and I'd argue that if it was none of my damn business, then he would have shut his mouth in the first place and not involved me knowing.

In the other scenario...if his partner is my best or good friend, how is she going to react once she finds out not only that he is cheating on some level, but that it involves me??

Of course I would never indulge his desires or return any of his interest. I will NOT do that to a friend for anything even after they break up. But he'd still be cheating because he has fallen in love with me. He's emotionally detached nonetheless. I consider that a form of cheating...hence he has to hide his feelings from his partner.

Anyway...when someone learns that they are being cheated on and their partner loves someone else, I can imagine them handling the situation irrationally and wildly because understandably they are in deep pain. So with the irrationality in context, I can see my friend taking out great anger on me just because I happen to be her partner's love interest and the reason her partner no longer wants to be with her. That's a pretty big mindfuck.

What woman wants to hear this about her best friend and her man? Rationally, she should not blame me and see that I only have her best interests at hand, but again emotions make people internalize a situation in so many unexpected ways. I would give my friend her space but openly and directly let her know I am there for her if she wants to talk.

I would not follow up on any contact with her partner if he tried contacting me later especially if he was an associated friend. I can imagine that he'd try to get with me after they broke up thinking he had a chance.

I think this situation will reveal how strong the friendship is between two women and what kind of dynamics are at play. If the friendship had any underlying catty, ego and jealousy issues to begin with, you'll certainly see them come to the surface in one way or another here on either side...that's for sure.

How would you handle this situation? and which scenario do you think is worse? Anyone experience this before?