Potential Energy

Sometimes when I am observing, let's say, a political debate...I'll realize that I don't have enough information to really form an opinion or to even know what I think, in depth, on a particular issue. It has nothing to do with my capacity for understanding but rather the lack of possessing enough data in that arena. I also realize that if I took the time to gain more knowledge and information on a given topic, that it will allow me to help to foster greater understanding. I would be prepared to offer my view, to try to see the "bigger picture" by looking at all sides, to form analogies where analogies might not have been created and to perhaps fuel epiphanies for both myself and others. I feel I have the potential to do that and that this is where my part as an instrument also comes in but first I must process more information on a given subject. In order to really think about something on your own requires more information to work with. There's so much to absorb.

When I think of how much there is to learn, it can be overwhelming...but I also think it's amazing and inspiring. I feel this way when I enter bookstores or libraries. I feel this intense sense of urgency...like I just want to open up the top of my head and dump everything inside all at once.

But of course that's not possible. I do, however, tend to prefer the autodidactic approach when it comes to learning and seek and use resources accordingly. A good place to start would be to make a list of books I'd like to read and order them through Amazon...and check off items on that list as I complete each book. I also don't strive to just read or know about things I am comfortable or agree with. You can't gain understanding and and cultivate and gain awareness by doing that.

This would fit well into the idea of doing and learning something new -every- day.

Why not utilize potential energy? I don't think most people do in a progressive sense. We get wrapped up in so many mundane and petty dramas. It's blinding. It's distracting and over the span of our lives, it might tragic and wasteful.

Lucid Thinking...

Perhaps the nature of existence and being is ideally a complete circle. It's the perfect symbol. Not like a square or any other object with defined set points. An infinite amount of points (possibilities and modes of life) can be placed on the path of a circle. Humans tend to think in line segments. That thinking inclination inspires how we function and understand. There's a beginning and there's a definite end in line segment logic. If there's a beginning we want to know its source. We believe there has to be a discrete source. However the source is the ending because the ending is the beginning.

It is mind-boggling and hard to process this because again we want a source. We can't accept this question as being a universal. Has existence always been self-containing and self-supporting? Has it always been a complete circle?

I think of the infinity symbol and see that it's a circle collapsing into itself. As a result, the collapse creates two hemispheres connected by a central point which establishes a dividing plane. If you were to draw a vertical line on that central point, it would create a dividing plane. Perhaps that describes our existence on this planet or in the physical world. Our goal might be to strive towards completion...overcoming that invisible plane and becoming a circle where the connection between a higher realm (on the left side of the plane) and the material realm (existing on the right side of the plane) is no longer divided. Perhaps that is evolution. Perhaps that is our goal.

I think this question comes up a lot. As a species, why are humans here? Why did we evolve to this point? If we were to become extinct tomorrow, the earth would survive without us and it has before quite well. We create "imbalance" and then seek to save our environment from that imbalance when it has gotten out of hand. But again we created it. We are too intelligent for our own good at times (or are we?). We create ideals that we'd like to strive but aren't ready for because we haven't reached that point in evolution. Or we expect everyone to be ready for certain stages of evolution collectively.

So why are we here? What do we need to contribute as a species? and why do we possess a particular level of consciousness and reasoning abilities that other species are believed to not have? There must be a reason. We were at one point less evolved collectively, but if you believe of natural selection as some form of "manifest destiny" in the world of nature, then even this journey in evolution, for us, was not a chance development. It suits some cause.

If something is created, then we can imply that it never existed before. Perhaps it always did. Creation might really just be transformation of an energy or possibility that is already there. Perhaps we are meant to help this planet reach its maximum value (temperature/global warming) in the realm of entropy...and once we do, the earth will reach absolute zero temperature (sun dies out). Something new will then come out of this cycle.

I go back to a previous entry, on LiveJournal, here where I talked about everything happening all at once and how there can be an infinite number of Allyson's existing in unlimited dimensions. If I "create" a path...then I am saying it didn't exist before. I am just choosing something that already exists in a different dimension.

As someone in a previous LiveJournal entry mentioned to me in a response to a previous entry: if this is true, then why is any choice that we make more important or epic than another? That's a very good question.

The civilization of choices. Maybe no choice is inherently better. They all have their conveniences and are used as instruments to fulfill a certain purpose or need. Just like we might be instruments as life forms. We are choices existing on an infinite self-supporting plane. So what truly orchestrates our choices? We like to say it is "us" as a singular entity existing entirely on our own...but perhaps that's not the right perception. Again our choices might be bigger than "us" in our myopic perspectives. We are instruments. It's definitely something to think about.

The Past & Loss

I think one of my biggest fears is the loss of a loved one. That's a subject that's hard to look at objectively or deeply (because it's inevitable and never something you can really prepare for) each time it's considered...especially as the music of decay becomes louder all around me. Evidence of decay is always there of course because that's part of life and existence but I think we put it in the background when it doesn't really involve "direct connections", attachments and bonds...it's hard to imagine ourselves without those connections and that we'll never have them again in this lifetime in such a tangible sense.

I find that although I enjoy change, development and transition, I am very much a person who finds it hard to adapt to change in other ways. As I often look to the future, I also tend to be very sentimental and attached to the past. I am often afflicted by ghosts, people and experiences of the past. Sometimes it is hard to "let go" and accept...or to bury. As a result, when I think about the past and change, it's a very sad process. I feel sick with nostalgia, "what was" and memories of youth and family...everything was newer, simpler and bigger on some level in younger days. Naiveté...innocence, fumbling, discovery, finding one's way through "firsts"... Even some of my negative experiences and difficult times take on more of an idealistic impression when I feel this way...you feel like you want to stop time from having consistent motion and curl up inside of its suddenly protective wings with all of the people you love and all of the things you know and are familiar with...lasting forever in unity

I seem to "enjoy" being a circle in this instance...because I am going to find myself back into a morose mood if the focus on this subject continues right now...

Let It Flow

Regarding Madeleine L'Engle:

She's one of my long-time favorite authors. I totally wasn't aware of her passing last year. She was certainly along in years but this is still a surprise.

Shows how often I pay attention to the outside world at times...

In a sense I do but I don't. I am so caught up in carving out my own path and carrying my voice.

I have a lot of writing pieces from my past all scattered about in my room and the house in various notebooks, tablets and folders. They should all be located, organized and updated (if applicable) and then rewritten within word documents. It's fascinating to look back at writing that I did several years ago and observe how I expressed myself then compared to now. There are several unfinished stories, both short and long that I totally forgot about until now, since I've been giving more thought and development to my current writing project.

I think I was able to focus on my writing in a very fluid manner because it wasn't ambitious...it was just expressive. In the last couple of days, I struggled with a bit of frustration toward my writing. That familiar blocked feeling made itself present and I tried working through it by finding out what was at the source. The source was impatience, great expectations and urgency. None of these feelings promote a creative flow. I just wind up choking.

I feel better about getting to the root and examining my frustration because it's very self-imposed. I realize that some things are going to take some time especially if so many details and ideas are involved. For example, it took J.K. Rowling 5 years to write her first book in the Harry Potter series although the ideas came to her quickly on a train. She wanted to get published but for the most part, felt a need to write and get her characters and story out of her mind.

I am trying to do that and it is helping. I've managed to come up with more details about the origins of Pink Laughter Kingdom, the plot, more characters as well as epic roles that main characters will play as the story evolves. I also try to write daily or at least frequently. If I don't do any writing for the day with my story, then I try to keep myself in spirit of writing by blogging and spitting out experimental work. I hadn't really looked into what "experimental writing" until recently. I had this common-sense-notion of what kind of writing would fit in genre and I was curious about where some of my writing fit. Some writing that I do would not be classified as poetry or prose but rather short descriptive and often metaphorical settings, scenes and interactions. Experimental writing seems like the most suited category especially since the often-vaguely-described genre includes writing fragmentations.

As for my current writing project, I'll concern myself with the business side of things later. I'll still have my goals and they will be considered to some degree, but they aren't going to be the leading motivation...for now. Just writing.

I managed to get to the gym yesterday morning at 5 am. As I wrote before, my gym opens at this time. I was dead wrong in assuming that the place would have very few people there at that hour. So wrong that I had to find a parking space on the 4th floor. It makes sense. The gym is expensive and there are probably many working professionals who prefer to do their workouts in the morning before hitting work. Early birds and risers...although I'd consider myself an early drifter. And speaking of expensive, that is another good reason for me to start going regularly again. I pay 80 dollars a month at this place and if I don't go, I might as well consider the place a source of charity.

The Hypnotic Properties of Music

Right now I am listening to the album The Tango Saloon by The Tango Saloon. I am starting to notice that I prefer a lot of music without words (or with very few) when writing or reflecting. In other words (heh), the music preferred is instrumental and atmospheric. It gently creates a mood.

This isn't an exclusive preference but it seems to be less distracting and more relaxing and stimulating.

There was a time when I started to use music as a way to bring myself into a trance state. One of my favorite albums to do this to was Children of Chaos by T99. The album came out in 1992. The breakthrough hit, "Anasthasia" immediately captured my attention through the now defunct but legendary Los Angeles radio station MARS-FM 103.1. I was a huge fan of this station and would listen to it all the time. So many odd and awesome alternative and electronic artists/bands were introduced into the mainstream.

Anyway, I remember turning on the music, sitting in low lighting and allowing myself to become hypnotized by escaping into the environments, scenes and settings that the music invoked mentally. The more I did this, the more I'd find it easier each time to go into trance mode.

I am not sure what this did for me on a deep level, but it was calming, relaxing and balancing. I could forget about my tangible environment and go somewhere else for the time being. I haven't done this in years and I am thinking that maybe I should incorporate this form of meditation back into my life. I do it see as a form of meditation and sensory guidance.

As a very passionate, sensual and feeling person, the process would be good for me. It's important to feel and to tap into sensations because you can become so aware and tuned into things, however this wiring can also be crippling and distracting. The notion of mind over matter deserves some attention and incorporation. There are some skills to be learned here.

Aspirations

So where do I want to take my writing? What do I see for my future?

Well, that's the thing. There are so many roads to take but the first ones that come to mind are in the realm of:

1. developing a story for an RPG game (ideally for a console)
   
2. setting up a strong foundation for character profiles and the world they inhabit (series of children's' books or novels)
   
3. screen writing for television
   
4. detailed and descriptive content for creating a lifestyle brand out of my Pink Laughter Kingdom world concept
   

These are some goals I'd like to accomplish. Right now, goal 1, 2 and 4 take center stage and in that union, 1 and 4 are the biggest targets.

I don't have all of the answers when it comes to how I will accomplish these goals. Like I mentioned before, this is all new territory for me. So I am learning as I go along and finding out how I will organize some of these plans....all the while acclimating to the writing process again.

I keep thinking of the quote, "If you build it, they will come." I certainly think that applies here.

As for Pink Laughter Kingdom, I realize this is going to take awhile. I will need to do a lot of research for referencing. For example, if I am going to talk about the social and political structure of the kingdom, then I need to look around at information on actual social systems of past and present to base this on. The intent is not to completely copy but to get some foundation and to innovate from that point on. This is like building a micronation. So I must think about bartering systems, form of government, currency, flag, rules, laws, principles, colors, culture and much more.

So far, I have the general idea developed for the origins of Pink Laughter Kingdom and I have a few character profiles fleshed out. I have more characters established but they are just in illustrative mode at this point. I need to take time to figure out how to build their profiles so that they fit in the world design plausibly and with other characters that have already been developed.

So The Journey Begins

Blogger is one of many places in which I'll be publishing my writings...and of course getting practice.

I've never taken myself seriously as a writer and it's always been weird to give myself this label. In my mind, I've always reserved that label for published writers who became successful, rich and famous from their works; Stephen King, Dean Koontz, Anne Rice, J.K Rowling and the like. Not me.

I've only just began to really get into my writing in an ambitious sense. The writer spirit has always been within and I'd let it out often when I was younger. I wrote as an emotional outlet. I wrote to bleed and to purge my system. The Bleeding came to a halt once I was out of high school. I slipped out of this inclination and busied myself with so many mundane worries and mindfuck episodes. I carried my writing a bit into my early college years, but again, I slowly forgot about bleeding and the toxins started to build.

I found myself without productive outlets of expression. I was on autopilot and didn't stop as much as I should have to reflect and ponder about my frenzied motions and daily gestures.

Well as the years came and went, I started getting into shadowboxing. I was in the Vicarious Age and I just couldn't bring myself to live in the spirit of authenticity and expression directly, although the pull and calling was always there. I danced around the perimeters and watched others conduct their magic rituals within the circle of progress. All I could do was shout out tips and advice about how to work better spells and create more elaborate and engaging mojo bags and charms. Accompanying this spectatorship was an intense schadenfreude inspired urge to disassemble the altars and snuff out of the candles of those within the circle. I could make them better magicians with my direction and often did, but I failed to get in there and call upon my own magic abilities.

I got tired and wanted to get back in touch with the magician within myself.

Creating and inventing is my magic. It's my calling. Writing is a tool that I've decided to pick up again and get acquainted with. But I am in the process of learning how to advance my weaponry skills.

The difficult part about getting back into writing is that I have so many ideas; a bottomless well of them, however, I must get myself comfortable with the process of creation and establishing a vision.

I would describe this challenge in two different ways:

1. You are standing in the middle of a massive and vast space of land as far as your eyes can see in any direction. You are the creator and you have free reign to design and theme this environment however you want. There's no limit.

2. You are an architect that has designed interiors before. But you've been commissioned to completely design a large palace. The objective is a humongous task and you must come up with the entire blueprint for both the interior and exterior layout.

In both of these examples, there's a feeling of excitement and euphoria due to the infinite possibilities of creative expression. I can be as innovative and pioneering as I want. However, I find myself feeling anxious, overwhelmed and intimidated because of the level of responsibility, planning and organization that must go into the laboring process for any vision that I might have within the contexts of being a creator.

Well, that's the way I feel about writing right now. I find that I am not sure what road to take, how to approach certain ideas or slow myself down to really become patient with the process of development. This is new for me. I've never written a novel, I've never completed a full script. I've never done anything in an ambitious sense and on a larger scale overall.

I've worked hard many times in my life, and I've produced some very innovative writing works which gained attention and admiration, but again I am very much in a World Creator context with a purpose and calling, which is different than before.

If I can relax and know that time is on my side and as a result, eventually see "my palace" or "civilization" come alive, then I can pace myself through the process. I'll find that my excitement won't be such a distraction. I can let it work its charms and develop a feeling of entitlement and comfort in being a creator.

I will also realize that everything doesn't have to be done all at once on a massive scale. Who says I need to create a palace or world in one day. I might aim for that, but it's going to involve a lot of trail, error and experimentation. No writing project is perfect or satisfactory the first time around and not all writing projects should even be ambitious.

All writing is good writing in this stage...because it helps me to get the process going in some way or another.

Openness and Intimacy

One of the subjects I've been thinking about more lately is whether or not people should strive to be completely honest in a relationship regarding their emotions and their past. What is true intimacy and how do you create that in a relationship?

Should someone know as much as possible about their partner or should both people keep some things (past expriences, beliefs, ideas, etc.) to themselves?

I initiated this topic on a discussion board and several people replied, but I came across a common response from a woman. She said that if her current partner revealed that he had slept with a prostitute in the past, then she wouldn't want to know. Of course this reveals how she feels about prostitution and men who seek out prositutes for sex as there are many women who wouldn't be bothered by this kind of admission. She also said that an ex-boyfriend revealed some things to her about his past and consequently, she couldn't look at him the same although she stated, in defense of maintaining privacy in relationships, that "the past is the past and should not dictate who someone is today"...

She ended her response by asking why do we need to be that open in relationships?

I thought for a bit and this was my response:

I don't think there's a need to sit one's partner down and mechanically go through a list of things that you'd want to reveal all at once or give explicit sexual details, but I do think if certain questions are asked, they should be honestly answered in a very close relationship or discussed later in an organic fashion.

I know I am in the minority with this thinking but I feel this way because whatever happens as a result will reveal truth regardless. It will reveal truth about whether or not there's shame about one's past, the relationship can still prosper after knowledge, and what judgment really means about intrinsic beliefs and values about the person judging and so forth.

I've always liked to get closer than most people feel comfortable with in relationships, because I like to do this with myself to a large degree, and I know that's not a comforting thing. But I think it challenges in a way that is good in the long run.

For example, you mentioned a partner told you something about their past that bothered you. You kept focusing on it and couldn't let go/work through it, so it changed the way you saw him. I think what the truth revealed was could you deeply love him regardless of what he did in his past (especially if you believe he was different at a later time), was he truly the person for you, were you able to analyze what he told you and gain some clarity as to why it continued to bother you...or if it really should?

That is -not- a comfortable process and people want to avoid that understandably so, but again it reveals truth, strength, inner feelings/values and emotions...and it establishes authenticity.

A friend (of the past), several years ago, told me in private that she learned about her boyfriend's past. He opened up to her later on in the relationship. She was with her boyfriend for 4 years and she felt they were very close and could discuss anything. Eventually, after watching American History X and getting into a discussion about one scene, he revealed to her, that when he was younger, he had been raped by a couple of boys, who were sons of his mother's boyfriend.

The rapes would happen often and he'd be coerced into them, being the youngest of the boys. Eventually, she said he mentioned that he became confused by the acts once he turned 12. He started to experiment and engage in the acts on his own and stopped when he was 14.

After he told her this, she admitted to me that she had been so affected by what he revealed and needed someone to talk to. She also said although she felt bad for him and saw the experiences as tragic, she started to wonder about his sexuality and if he had some repressed attraction for men. I asked her why and she said because he decided to "turn the rape into experimentation". I found out that they eventually broke up a few months later as a result. She didn't trust his sexuality and I think there was some part of her that felt that men who were abused (even without the experimentation part) were less masculine and partially at fault for "letting" rape occur because it's hard for society to see boys and men as victims when compared to girls and women. It's not uncommon for a lot of people to feel this way although it's controversial and shameful to admit.

Should he have revealed the experimental part of his past or the abuse altogether? They seemed to be getting along fine before this but this admission caused conflict, shame, doubt and fear.

I think it was for the best. There are women who would hear his admission and not react the same way. They'd handle it differently; make him feel more comfortable in admitting, speaking about it further and getting out feelings on his experiences and so forth. She was not cut out to see her way through any of that, so the intimacy was not able to go any deeper.

I imagine that they might have stayed together longer if he didn't admit any of that (all of him; his present AND his PAST), but again, he needed someone who could hear and deal with that. I felt for her...I did. But inside, I also felt it created some Taoism, so to speak.

I think the same way about other aspects of sexual pasts, including sleeping with prostitutes, threesomes and so forth. There are people out there who don't care or aren't bothered by certain admissions. They possess the right energy for certain people who might have a particular past that otherwise wouldn't be accepted by someone else.

It's up to each person to decide how deep and authentic they want their relationship to be. You must decide how vulnerable you feel you can be in your relationship in order to facilitate a feeling of comfort, trust and kinship. Who are you with? What can they handle? How strong is the relationship? What are you and your partner's deepest convictions, beliefs and values?

I then thought further and realized that of course this topic is very complex and while I do totally stand by what I said, I know that there are some other issues that come into play regarding being open and very intimate. I DO realize this and I don't think one should be open with just ANYONE until they are very sure, know they can trust and that the person is worth it and has decent character and maturity. Some things are just foolhardy. You can never know for sure, but that's where instincts, attention and mindfulness come in to help decide these things.

I also think it's telling if someone isn't willing to open up as much as you are willing to at the same time. It could mean several things, some of those things implicating slow caution, but sometimes it means that you could be with someone that wants you to give them leverage over you through vulnerability.

Some people might not want to reveal elements of themselves or their past completely for these reasons:

1. Afraid of someone knowing so much about you and not knowing if a relationship with that person will last "forever". Once you part with that person, they possess knowledge of many of your secrets.



2. As an extension of the aforementioned, when you share so much of yourself, you give the other person a certain level of importance, and in some cases, power. Will they use this information against you later on either during the relationship or if you wind up parting?



3. Afraid of looking flawed, weak, immoral and/or hypocritical.



4. As I mentioned somewhat in my response to this woman, there's the issue of confronting feelings of shame, old demons, guilt and self-judgment. If some dredge up their pasts, they are afraid of disturbing the seemingly dead beneath the burial ground. Not everyone deals with their past experiences and decisions or comes to peace with them head on. They are stuffers. So as they go on with their lives and develop into another self-view, they don't want anything being revealed or confronted to remind them of a self-view that clashes with their current one...and again they certainly don't want to play these dramas out before someone else if they can barely do it through self-disclosure. I notice that in this struggle, some people might claim to be non-regretful of their past and even proud of it, yet they react in this manner with fear if someone very close wants to know about general details of their past. Culpability adds more to this tangled web.

Whatever we do NOW, we better be prepared to OWN it later. If not, decide why you are doing what you are doing.

I also think that some people really are impaired when it comes to being emotionally honest. They might have grown up in a family where metaphorically, closed doors in a hallway are fine, normal and expected. So when someone finally comes into their life to challenge that, they freak out, get defensive, become even more secretive to maintain control and get angry or shut down.

Again a complex issue...

Tristesse Globale

I love this somber and melancholy short track by Royksopp. It's from their album The Understanding, which is very good. It is called "Tristesse Globale". Someone created or edited a video on YouTube using the song as a backdrop. I'd have different ideas for a video, but it's the only video on the site where the track is played. The track is also available on my MySpace profile music playlist:







When I listen to it, the video evokes the overwhelming sensations of inevitable loss, suffocating sadness and consuming despair. The emotions are inescapable and fixed, making you utterly sick and ill with them. You can barely breathe or absorb the onslaught of feelings. Tears flow like the crashing, theatrical waters of a rebellious ocean. There's no rescue or horizon of release. Everything else disappears and waves of inexplicable pain wash over and the colorless night seems like it will last literally forever.

Inspiration & Competition

Inspiration comes from so many sources - experiences, nature, people, events, etc.

Lately, I've been looking at a lot of inspiring websites and businesses. I connect with a kindred energy when I sense and feel it. You can discover a lot about yourself, your true goals and passions when you pay attention to what you are drawn to. Patterns can be acknowledged and analyzed and further clarity becomes a result.

I was talking my fiance Andrew about inspiration and also about competition yesterday. What does it mean for someone to be competitive when they aspire to reach a goal or better define themselves?

I don't necessarily see competition as bad or even destructive, but I do think there are some delusions involved in how some people view competition in themselves. For example, I remember talking with a friend and he mentioned that he hates when others are competitive and that this world would be better off without that kind of drive or focus. I asked him if he saw himself as competitive and he said, "No, I am not really competitive, although I do try to top myself and that's different." I told him that was competition, but just directed in a different sense and I also mentioned that he'd be surprised to discover how that inner sense of urgency is often fueled by external factors. It's impossible to be absolutely free of that as a human being or a life form period. On a very basic level, it's what defines some function of life and also what makes us able to survive through better adaptations.

I explained how competition with others, in the realm of individualism rather than collective consciousness and being, is not really about "others"...it IS essentially about oneself; the preservation, survival and betterment of oneself through a mode of vicarious direction which reveals values and self-truths. A competitive target could be anyone and anything...it's just a mirror. So again, it is essentially about self. Some people are more or less external in this mode, but that's just a different mode of how competition functions. I also think that targets of competition can't really take or be given any personal credit given what I just mentioned...because they are mirrors. If it's not that particular situation or person, then it will be another...given that whatever is valued is present.

I thought about this because as I was looking around at sites and profiles of people that I admire, I felt inspiration but I also felt a twinge of wanting to compete. I analyzed that and saw that it came back to the vicarious mode. There are desires inside that create standards and I wish to reach and eventually surpass those standards because it all plays a part of how I desire to define my life. I feel that definition comes from who I think I am as a person and what I think my life purpose is and should be.

If one can look at this process of analysis, one can find out if components in this "formula" create a good result or link up. Look at what makes you respond, compete, feel inspired and so forth. Look at the inner pull involved in these expressions/feelings and see if a set of standards can be realized. Once those standards are realized, think further about life purpose and self-definition and decide whether or not this all really reflects who you think you are or who you think you should be. You might have to do some "retracking" and restructuring and what comes to be realized might not even be pleasant or make sense. This sounds very exact and sequential although the process is more quantum in nature. I think it's an important process to put oneself through. Discovery and epiphanies will come about for sure and it won't necessarily be instant...but it will be progress nonetheless.

On a more show n' tell note, here are few sources of innovation that I feel a connection to and am inspired by:

Illustrators/Designers Vicki Wong and Michael Murphy of Meomi
Illustrator Simone Legno of Tokidoki
Jewelry/Fashion Designer Tarina Tarantino
Illustrator(s) behind Indeepop

There are many more to list, but I'll keep the list brief...for now.

I've been able to read about the history of artistic development and ambition of some of these artists and again I find them so inspiring. I've been working on Pink Laughter Kingdom more actively in the last month, particularly with character development. Character development is central to creating a world identity. The Pink Laughter Kingdom concept has been in my head for so long and it's time to really push it to the next level.

In an effort to further articulate many of my visions in this realm, I will be going into an intense mode of self-education and development. I decided to check back with Gnomon School of Visual Effects for 5 week and 10 week class sessions as I work at home. The classes are 500 dollars each so that's not too bad for 5-10 week sessions. I'd like to develop my skills in gesture, character and figure drawing, by taking some of these classes during the weekend if possible in the middle of the week, because I have a lot of ideas for character development that involve stronger skills in this area of illustration. Additionally, I think Santa Monica College has some interesting weekend classes to look into.

As I mentioned before, I'd like to develop more skills in the area of web development as well. Nothing intense or big as I am not aspiring to be a full-fledged programmer of course. I just seek development that will further help me to be self-reliant in my design projects and as an artist with greater technical skills. I am trying to lessen that chasm I spoke about in a previous entry...between artistic vision and realization.

Cool site (I so love designer toys!)...it is in Japanese, but there are many figures to look at in the products section, once going further into the site.

Good Smile Company

Public Libraries (Taking on the status of arcades)

Outside of academic and/or campus libraries, I just don't hear of many people going to local libraries anymore...if they have one of their area. Libraries have become rather obsolete, nonexistent and/or antiquated in many locations and if they do exist, it seems a small percentage of people really seek out the comfort, space and benefits of a library atmosphere.

Maybe today's libraries need to be revamped and promoted in a different way to attract younger people.

The reality is that today's generation just doesn't read nearly as much as previous generations. Funding cuts have undermined the development, maintenance and promotion of public libraries in many areas. Furthermore, bookstores have taken the place of libraries to a large degree. Bookstores have the coffee and cafe section, areas with music and magazines, and tables and chairs set up to entice people to stay, lounge, read and hopefully make purchases. Yep, they are semi-functional modern-day libraries

I've always loved going to libraries .When I was younger, trips to the library were definitely excursions I always looked forward to when my father took me along. He'd often go for job-related research material and downtime.

I was fascinated with getting my hands on all sorts of reading material, especially if the material was very offbeat, controversial and related to medicine. I'd look at a lot of psychology books and journals and seek out medical publications featuring pictures, descriptions and explanations for various skin diseases and illnesses. The images would often be bizarre and unsettling, but I'd find myself extremely drawn to viewing and reading about them regardless. I remember that I'd always hide these books from my father, once I saw him approaching, because I knew he'd disapprove of me looking at books he considered inappropriate. Pictures of men with pus-leaking and scab-covered penises and torsos were not images he would have approved of no matter how medical the book was in context. LOL!!

Exploring the interior of large libraries was an extra delight. I'd love getting lost in the meandering hallways, numerous floors, back rooms, quiet and mysterious conference rooms and the sections with periodicals and references. When it was time to leave, I couldn't wait to check out some of my selections especially since using my library card made me feel so giddy. Having a library card was like having a credit/cash card and going to the library was like shopping. Coming home from the library with reading goods to indulge in was euphoric.

I miss that...

These trips were also very much like the trips to my father's office. He'd take me during weekends when very few people were there and I'd run around exploring all of the desks and areas in the building while he worked in his office. I'd find all sorts of things on people's desks - jars of candy, cookies in tin containers, unusually shaped erasers, colored pencils, bright neon markers and pens and so forth. At some point, I'd spend the rest of the time there drawing and playing around on some of the white boards, with markers I retrieved from my father's desk. It was very much like an adventure. I am sure that when everyone came back into office, they were puzzled as to why some of their desk treats were missing or less in number. Blame it on the elusive office elf...

I'd love to see a resurgence of library culture and popularity...outside of academic settings.

On Making Things Happen

Are you a go-getter or do you wait for things to happen to you?

I've been a bit of both at different times in my life. Over time I see myself functioning more in the former category. I can be very type A and perform with an explosive and enduring amount of energy when I put my mind and heart into something, but then I can be bad at procrastinating in other moments and find it difficult to get started in executing an objective...for a number of reasons. Some of these reasons are ones that I've talked about in previous journal entries.

I truly do not believe in waiting for things to happen. Sometimes, one does get lucky and certain opportunities just fall into place, but even with that being a factor, some preparation must be present. If luck does occur, it would suck big time to NOT be ready to take on a given opportunity because you waited around and didn't invest in any planning. It would pretty much be a case of "being caught off guard".

I was talking to my fiance Andrew last night about ideas and concepts...as well as being in the habit of being overwhelmed by the desire to carry out many ideas and passions. This is common among a lot of creative types, so it's something many can understand and relate to. He also he expressed his experience with this and talked about the long-standing desire of turning his novel into a graphic novel series at some point. We were looking at a lot of sites online for inspiration and this is what originally led to this discussion tangent.



I am seeing that many illustrators are taking their ideas and expressing them three dimensionally. I've always been fascinated with this process and wish to do this myself. I mentioned this to Andrew, and he expressed his desire for taking the characters of his novel into the three dimensional realm, drawing-wise, to create detailed characterization. Afterwards, I asked him if he ever had the desire to work with 3D Studio Max. He said that he briefly used Lightwave in the past, but that was about as much as he experienced with using 3D graphics software. He emphasized that writing is his main focus and he is overwhelmed with how much he'd ideally like to do overall. This is understandable, as he is swamped with work in his master’s program, will soon be gearing up for his internship in Montreal and spends any spare time working on the book drafts for the rest of his novel series for Eden's Heel (and of course talking to me).

I told him that working in 3D Studio Max does not mean he has to focus on becoming a 3D modeler or animator. It would mean that he'd find his skills expanding in a way that might be surprising to him because I've seen this happen with myself in various circumstances. Regardless of where an artist is at, all artists have visions and when the gap between an artist's vision(s) and the artist's abilities is great, it creates more frustration and disenchantment. One of the most satisfying things to do, as an artist, is to be able establish visionary goals by decreasing that chasm...but I believe that in order to do this, we must sometimes seek to find and acknowledge connections in unfamiliar ways.

For example, I remember taking a 2D Design class several years ago as an art/art history major and the first projects in that class were several exercises working with pen and ink. Many of the assignments dealt with stripping down full-color photographs and images into basic shapes composed of values (black and white). All areas of light were displayed initially as white gouache (paint) and all areas of shadow were displayed as areas of black gouache and eventually we started creating a scale between those two values through shades of gray from a 10 step gradation scale. We worked so extensively with these exercises, that I can remember one day looking at my instructor during lecture and suddenly, I saw him completely composed in black and white values...almost to the point of being down right disturbing. My perception switched into a different area and I saw him as a foundation of basic elements.

We see chiaroscuro (shadow and light) everyday, but the average person takes these details in their environment for granted. Shadow and light are seen, but as elements they aren't truly acknowledged by what I call the third eye. Artists with great execution have third eyes that are sharper and more refined. The third eye for everyone is composed of many different segments; often segments that remain undeveloped and as untapped potential. I started to see not only my instructor in values but everything around me. That segment of my third eye had come into further development since I had transitioned into a different visualization process through a series of pen and ink works and conditions.

The average person, in varying degrees, is relatively good at pattern recognition, which leads to clearer and sharper identification and associative cognition, and if a common object is asked to be described, most people can describe it in words and/or draw a very basic sketch of it on a piece of paper. Moreover, they can point it out if they see it in a lineup among other objects.

How well they can draw and describe the object is affected by the strength of their third eye. Some people visualize details of something naturally better than others and will be able to translate this in a number of ways whether it is with sketchbook, words or some other channel and that is often described as talent. However, even people with that advantage need further third eye sharpening. It takes practice, time and creative thinking. I liken this to being able to add up numbers in the mind's eye. When we try to do this, we struggle more or less than others to keep the numbers present within a mental viewpoint. The numbers seem to want to disappear or move around and mess up the process of calculation while we imagine. People who are good (or get to be good) with mathematical calculations can keep a stronger focus of numbers, and their relations with one another, in the mind longer so that it is as functional to get a result as it would be in utilizing paper which provides static reference.

Another striking incidence of visualization shift took place when I started using 3D Studio Max. I became completely fascinated with the program and after class was over, I stayed up many nights experimenting with the program and doing various online tutorials until 5-7am in the morning. I wanted to learn as much as I could because it was a completely new process and there was so much potential to express my creative ideas in a different way than before. I noticed that, again, I started to see everyday objects in a completely different way. I began seeing everything in basic shapes or shape complexes the way I did when I worked in 3D Studio Max. I paid attention to texture and lighting the way I did when working in the program and I eventually noticed that when I went back to creating illustrations in Illustrator and Photoshop, I developed a stronger eye for creating depth through texture, lighting and shape. My technique became better just through using 3ds Max. I didn't have this expectation when I first started using the program but the epiphany was a delicious encounter.

A lot of people would see working in this program and developing better skills, in other facets of illustration, as unrelated...but as a person who loves symbolism, analogy and seeing and making connections, I feel this is no different in gaining the benefits of taking, for example, an acting class and using that to further strengthen the ability to express yourself in other ways, unrelated to a career and pursuit in acting. Taking acting classes is a great tool for a lot of people who are shy, want to be speakers/lecturers, wish to sing and desire a better understanding of themselves and others kinesthetically, especially since this comprises a large segment of communication and relative interpretation. Again, the skills sets developed in this manner aren't advantageous to just actors. There are a multitude of priceless skill development connections here waiting to be unsheathed and seized.

So, as mentioned before, decreasing the chasm between vision and ability can be achieved by seeking, finding and building connections between seemingly unrelated functions and areas.

When Andrew mentioned that he had no time for developing his drawing skills in the realm of character design by utilizing 3D Studio Max, and that it was unrelated to what he wanted to do with his focus in writing, I then disagreed due to the aforementioned thoughts. He might not have time to truly devote himself to character design right now in this manner, but he might find dabbling in a program such as that to be surprisingly beneficial. It might be the missing link in developing stronger skills spatially for the establishment of projects related to sequential art (comics). This isn't the only way he can develop stronger character design skills. He could find other unconventional ways to do this, but it's one of many ideas that could offer some results and progress. It's good to experiment to see what can develop.

Build a ship, grab a pair of binoculars, pack necessities in preparation of your journey...and set out to explore...